There’s no Beer in Heaven – Time to get Serious

[off the cuff by   ~Sha’Tara]
It’s time to get serious.  As most know by now, I was once a very religious person.  So religious, in fact, I became religious twice.  In politics that would be called going from a liberal stance to a conservative one, or is it vice-versa?  Doesn’t matter.  What matters is, I need to confess the real reason I left religion.  Starting at the start, we do religion because we want to go to Heaven, just like we go to work because we want a paycheck.  Pretty basic.

All was well until one day, thanks to radio, I heard a song so devastating, I never recovered – I even went to an upholstery repair shop, they couldn’t help me.  (Oh, aren’t I punny!)

Here’s that infamous song by Frankie Yankovic

In Heaven there is no beer

That’s why we drink it here
And when we’re gone from here
All our friends will be drinking all that beer

The moment I heard that song, I was convicted of its utter truth.  I knew then, and still do, that people who sing these songs never lie because they are the ones the corporations use to sing commercial ditties for them, and we all know, based on their success rating that commercials absolutely NEVER LIE.  So there I was, halfway through my Heineken and my heart didn’t just sink, it plummetted.  No beer in Heaven.  They still hold to prohibition there.  Of course I was in the Christian camp so slipping on a hijab I snuck in the Islamic side to see if Allah was more open than Jehovah on drinking.  No luck, except that Allah was willing to provide a number of nubile virgins for his chosen heroes (they call themselves martyrs but all fundamentally religious people believe they are being constantly persecuted so that doesn’t mean a whole lot).  Obviously virgins, particularly of the female kind, wasn’t what I was looking for, so I excused myself, said I was just browsing, and made a rapid exit – you might understand why.  But back to my side of the fence.

After the shock, and a very satisfactory emtying of my Heineken beer, little knowing it wasn’t bottled in Holland, but at the beer plant in town,  I began to think about this.  So I’m in Heaven. Let’s just say I spent the day looking after a kindergarten bunch of rowdies and I want to retire to my “mansion” (everybody has to have a mansion in Heaven, that’s the rule, it’s in the law book – it’s for the higher tax bracket but I’m not supposed to know that), pop open the fridge and draw out a first class beer.  It’s Heaven after all, would I be sold after market crap?  But according to this song I just heard, no such luck.  It doesn’t help that I can hear the groaning and moaning along with the odd girlish cries of protest coming from the other side of the partition where the Muslim boys are going at it full bore.  In fact, it makes my blood boil, or would, if Iwas already there.  But I’m thinking here. That cheapskate Jehovah.  Here’s Allah providing seventy virgins, count them, that’s right: seventy for each one of his hero-boys to rape and pillage, and I can’t even have one lousy beer?  I mean you believe in the guy.  You serve him all your life, which can be reasonably long if he doesn’t decide to have you burned alive at the stake at nineteen as he did for Joan…

There are lots of reasons to leave one’s religion.  You’ve been fondled after Sunday school by the assistant pastor, and later on, raped by the main pastor.  That’s one reason.  You’ve been passed over for a promotion to choir leader.  The church bus left without you that day the church team was playing a rival team and they won.  You can’t become a “real” pastor ’cause you’re a girl and girls are designed by God to serve their men masters.  If you don’t believe that just ask a judge, specifically you could ask Judge Roy Moore – he’s the expert on this at the moment.  Just don’t get too close, his hands are still quite active when he’s not holding a gun in the right hand and a bible in the left.  You might be unpleasantly surprised where those fingers land.

But this song, that was the very last straw.  What’s wrong with God, anyway?  Isn’t it enough he feels women’s lives should be made hell, physically, morally, socially, financially and in any other “ally” possible?  Now he’s going to deny me my one consolation at the end of the day?  I’m committing apostasy, over beer (I said to myself).
Over beer? You ask somewhat shocked.  You bet.  So that was it.  It’s my understanding that Hell has an ample and unrestricted supply of beer.  OK, it’s raccoon piss, i.e., Canadian and American beer, but beggars can’t be choosers.

I’ll close this with the old truism on life.  In life, there are only two things to worry about: either you’re healthy, or you’re sick. If you’re healthy, nothing to worry about.  If you’re sick, there are two things to worry about: either you’re going to live or you’re going to die.  If you’re going to live, nothing to worry about.  If you’re going to die, there are two things to worry about: either you’re going to Heaven or you’re going to Hell.  If you’re going to Heaven, nothing to worry about (well, except the beer thing of course) and if you’re going to Hell you’ll be so busy entertaining and being entertained, you won’t have time to worry.

36 thoughts on “There’s no Beer in Heaven – Time to get Serious

  1. sherazade

    Provengo da una cultura agnostica nella quale ho trovato le mie soluzioni.

    La religione si è detto è l’oppio dei popoli.
    E se davvero ci fossero alla fine un paradiso o un inferno ad aspettarci credo che il paradiso dopo una vita di

    1. sherazade

      Il paradiso dopo una vita di frustrazioni e costrizioni sarebbe un luogo noioso pieno di persone insulse e pentiti dell’ultima ora… no sense.

      Cercare di vivere al meglio onestamente e in sintonia con il vivente Questo è il paradiso in terra.

      1. Sha'Tara Post author

        Capisci che ero totalmente satirico. Sono d’accordo con te. Perché rimanere bloccati in un certo paradiso misogino con un intero, infinito cosmo per esplorare e interagire con?
        Buono giorno, Shera

  2. kertsen

    I’m a bit sensitive about replying too much on Jilldenisons site as it is really for comments on her thoughts so I will answer your post on this one and comment on this post at the same time. I believe you are an anarchist and it’s a position I understand because the world is not a nice place for many. Your mention of your adherence to religion confirms my thoughts as religion is a form of opting out or anarchy. It builds an imaginary perfect world where the lion lies down with the lamb and tooth and claw are forgotten. It runs recluses where men and women can escape for mental peace. The sanctity of the Mosque and the Church or for nature worshippers the great out back gives us breathing space .
    Artists , writers , poets escape in their work ‘ a thing of beauty is a joy forever’ The Lord of the Rings with its great moral theme and the ultimate triumph of the good. Karl Marx with his ideal society where all men behave themselves as equals.
    Once you open the lid of a lap top you join society; once you turn on your electric lights you join society ; once you shop for your clothing you join society; escape is an impossible dream we all indulge in from time to time.
    The Beatles in Hey Dude ‘ don’t carry the world upon your shoulders’ LSD was a temporary way out for them.
    Robert Hare spent many years examining psychopaths and even suggested about 1% of the American population were psychopathic.
    Mr Hare pointed out that many were not murderers and found suitable power positions in society. Often we divide society into them and us it’s all the fault of them and we are pure as driven snow. Christianity hates guilt and Jesus Christ instead of being an example becomes a scapegoat for our failure. We must embrace our guilt and failure , and not seek to elevate ourselves above others.

    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Thanks Frank. As a young one, I used to wonder what was so attractive about heaven. Certainly the biblical non-description makes it sound pretty dry and boring. So we settled for concentrating on avoidance of hell, and of course that’s why it never worked. That was no goal, no purpose, just a mind prison. Even toda I like to needle my Christian friends who are near the point of departure and checking their Jesus pass, what are they going to do there? No clue, no insight, just some silly guesses and mostly, “I trust God knows best.” If you feel like having a good laugh about “heaven” watch the movie, “The Invention of Lying.”

  3. Akhila

    Really…is the hell a well of never ending beer supply?😉….
    By the way, there could be so many reasons to escape from religion…but have you wondered on the existence of god..

    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      I interact with Christians all the time. I confuse and trouble them by always claiming I don’t need to believe in God because I KNOW (this closed here, so editing:) that God exists. This is truth. People are the living proof of God’s existence, or any God by their faith and acts. Sadly, they are also living proof of God’s temperament and character. The people of God, in any variety, always demonstrate the nature of their God. So, I never wonder if God exists or not: HE does, and women caught in his wake bear the marks of HIS misogynist nature, anywhere, under any name though in the West under a now dying surge of atheism and feminism women have had it a bit better than in other places. Sadly, that is reverting now.

      1. Akhila

        Yes, God exists . otherwise there won’t be any meaning for the sustenance of life upon earth….a flower won’t bloom just to wither away by the as the women too

      2. Sha'Tara Post author

        Thanks for your response Akhila. I see by it that you are a faith person, so I understand why/how you chose to respond. It’s not quite what I meant, however, sorry. God, as some kind of divine spirit being big daddy in heaven sort of thing doesn’t exist for me at all. What I meant in my response was that it is people who constantly create God by their faith. It is said, quote, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. An interesting statement. Where there is absolutely no substance, no evidence, people create a mantra and then believe that whatever the mantra says, that is truth. This is what leads to all religions becoming political forces and why religious adherents are, generally speaking, never able to live by the dictates of their gods or saviours, however much is made of these characters. This is why religion, ultimately, is the refuge of hypocrites: they claim but cannot do. It may sound harsh but I’m speaking from many decades of experiences, mostly Christian, but some Islamic and some Judaic (interaction and study). Therefore when I say to religious people that they represent their gods’ character, I am not praising them, quite the opposite. I have had no personal experiences with Buddhism or Hinduism but I have read enough history (particularly the bloody violence of the partition of India-Pakistan and Bangladesh) and now the genocidal horror by Buddhists upon Muslims in Myanmar) to know that these religions, and by association, their gods, can’t take the moral high ground to Jehovah or Allah. They’re all just power-seeking people who will oppress, extort, execute, murder, cause genocide to place their particular idol on the thrown of whatever land they wish to control and exploit. Here’s one thing I’ll never understand: why is it women are so easily seduced into serving misogynist religious gods, myself included for quite some time. Why are we so blind? Is it the male thing, or is it programming? Over a million – that’s million(!) women were tortured to death, most burned alive as witches by the Christian church, mostly in Europe. The luckier ones were spectators and they cheered the torturers and executioners. Explain that one for me…

      3. Akhila

        These sort of religious blindness exists for many years. And it has grown to a level that can never be corrected.
        And then on my faith, i donno how to state it.. Okay simply i can tell like i go to temple and enjoy that ambience of dhoop and all… More to that sometimes i start wondering do i need to pray something… There is an old post i have written in those lines “what should i pray”..

      4. Sha'Tara Post author

        Thanks for the comment, Akhila. I think that people need to learn (reason) why they pray, and they need to test the results of their prayer honestly. If I pray for something, is it more likely to happen than if I do not? Such testing has actually been done, and predictably, there is no difference to any outcome. Praying, to me, is more like preying. There’s this “imaginary” being who dis-empowers individual by making them pray to him for favours, then taking the credit when the person does it themselves. In essence, God (or whatever divinities are being addressed) are thieves. They rob people of energy and take it for themselves, giving nothing in return except maybe a weak good feeling. If we are to evolve mentally we need to let go of this “soother” thing… 🙂

  4. Phil Huston

    Endless beer and bottomless bowls of bar pretzels. However Cary Grant made a case for the same sort of thing in Heaven in “The Bishop’s Wife.”

    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Thanks for commenting. I understand what you’re saying but it’s been shown, if not proven, that the majority of our leadership is made up of psychopaths and narcissists and people have an affinity to “follow” after such.

      1. Phil Huston

        Was all that in there? So if Jimmy Buffet was president we’d all be Hawaiian shirt wearing tequila drinkers? Is he running? He ought to. Kinky Friedman makes a half hearted run at the Texas Governors job when it’s up. I wish he’d win. But if he did I’d forgo the cigars…

      2. Sha'Tara Post author

        What was all in where again? I swear I’m going to find a way to transmute the energy you put in your comments that make my head spin and get it in my gas tank. It would probably burn out the engine, but boy, what a ride! Are you sure you wouldn’t like to be sitting in the sun by lake Texoma fondling a big fat cuban and watching the smoke rise while pondering the vivissitudes of man-made climate change?
        Vivissitudes? I think I meant vicissitudes… but speaking of new words, vivissitude has potential, pizazz, something. Would you like to order a large pizazz? Additional toppings: Anchovies? Mushrooms? A half dozen cubans on the side?

      3. Sha'Tara Post author

        Oh yeah… you’d be thinking of mushrooms, wouldn’t you! But all joking aside (say what?) would you eat anchovies on a pizza? Oh, yuk!

    2. Sha'Tara Post author

      Oh yeah? Grant was probably doing a commercial for the place… 🙂 What kind of bishop has a wife? Couldn”t have been a cat-licker – they prefer young boys.

  5. Woebegone but Hopeful

    Ah, these are all people’s ideas of something cosmic. What do they know?
    Me? I’m going to ask if I can firstly have just a few thousand years to ethereally fly about on a sight-seeing tour of the Solar System. I know it won’t give me much time to visit everywhere, but in Eternity what’s a few thousand?
    Then I’ll settle down to whatever…..
    …Unless of course there is Purgatory, in which case my pastw ork life will come back and I’m bound to end up on the complaints desk having to deal with Intolerant Christian Fundamentalists whinging about having to go to Hell, Paedophile Priests trying prove doctrinally they weren’t guilty, and Black Metal music followers who are complaining that Satan plays Easy Listening Muzak and does Karaoke!

    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      That purgatory thing, that looks too much like a government job. Forms, forms, more forms. Who’d a thought that about Satan? Goes to show, you just can’t trust anybody these days.

      1. Woebegone but Hopeful

        Wait ’til those on the Alt Right or the Corporate Rich find out that Hell is run on Socialist Lines and they have to fulfil their quota of fossil fuel shovelling!

      2. Sha'Tara Post author

        I can see you now, behind the desk, adjusting the glasses and looking at the form just handed down. “I didn’t just say, fill in form A-763. I distinctly said, make sure you fill in the green one. The pink one is for American feminists with violent tendencies. You said you were a proud American and a gun owner, didn’t you? Come back when you’ve completed the green form. There’ll be some extra shoveling and groveling involved, but I’m sure you’re fully familiar with the process. Now then… {yawn! and the nasal voice stretching the words} who’s next…?”

      3. Woebegone but Hopeful

        Good. But I’d be going more for the fake sympathetic smile and:
        ‘But you see. Under Section 73 of the Code of Behaviour act as moderated by Statutory Instrument 17(g), there is a definite responsibility by the individual to spread Compassion, Tolerance and Respect. I’m afraid that Defence of My Way of Life has never been considered a relevant grounds for appeal…. ‘
        I could go on like that for ages…..

  6. franklparker

    Akhila, I respect your faith but my concern is that too many people spend too much time trying to define, and then argue about, God’s purpose when they should be getting on with doing whatever it takes to improve the lives of others.

  7. theburningheart

    I enjoyed your tongue in cheek post, it made me laugh, remind me when I was a child maybe six, or so I was sent to Christian doctrine, but I wasn’t happy from what I was told there, so I pestered my Mom for more information about Heaven, her answers were not any more pleasing to my ears, in my country a Catholic place women and children are the ones who go to church usually, my father never went, neither a lot of the other male parents, but if you will ask him if he hold any belief, he will point-blank will answer with a yes, I am Catholic, and leaved at that. Now in church the ones who seemed more devoted, and the leaders of the other women, were elder spinsters who never married, and look by everybody as the example to be followed, but a luck to be escaped at all cost, by the young unmarried ones!

    So my idea of heaven was being surrounded by these older spinsters with terrible voices without harmony, when they sang the Hymns, don’t need to tell you that mass used to bore me a lot, and when at the end of the mass the priest would say:
    ‘You can leave in peace the mass it’s over.’
    I answered:
    ‘It’s just, and necessary!’
    Instead of: ‘Let’s all give thanks to God.’
    For which my mother will give me a knuckle on the head.

    Well, the thought of spending Eternity surrounded by these old spinsters, and every other few people not to my liking, it was enough to make me understand that if there it was a Heaven it couldn’t be anything like that, and despite my twelve years of study under Italian priests never consider myself a Catholic, and start the studying of other Religions from early childhood as an alternative! 🙂

    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      So, apart from the love thing which is a done deal for you, where are you at with earth’s smörgåsbord of religions? Do you have a plate full, yet, or are you being finicky? 🙂

      1. theburningheart

        Long story dear, but if you really want to know, read my My Views on Religion etc. Post on November 2013 It’s easy to find it alongside on the dates on the right side of your screen, if you are in a computer and not in a phone. 🙂

  8. poeturja

    I’m convinced. Well, I was convinced when I was 10 years old and my dad talked about bad ol’ Eve forcing Adam to eat the apple and I innocently asked if she forced him with a gun (not understanding s-e-x as the main motivator in life next to money). But every once in a while I like to hear another opinion and yes, you convinced me 😀

  9. mistermuse

    As an ex-Catholic (an actively-practicing one for over fifty years) who has given a lot of thought to religion, anything less than a long discussion would only scratch the surface, but I’ll just touch on a few things you mention.

    I am now a ‘default’ deist (meaning I didn’t seek deism, but came to believe that what deists conclude is the only conclusion that makes sense). Deism isn’t a religion per se, but does hold that there is a creator (an eternal first cause) — not to be confused with the God of religion (a creation of man). There is another possibility besides “either you’re going to Heaven or you’re going to Hell,” and that is that you’re not going anywhere. The plain truth is that we don’t know if there is life after death. I of course hope there is, but if there is, it opens up for speculation no end of possible after-lifes, if you’ll pardon the pun.

    I’ll stop her, but I’m open to further dialogue, if you wish.

    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Hi MM. So as not to keep you on edge, with bated breath and all that, this is a topic I love to engage. However, having just completed a long trip and long work days, I am going to close this blog talk for now, with the promise that I’m going to engage this talk with you. Come to think of it, I was an ardent Catholic once upon a time also, and I have good reasons for leaving that aspect of faith. Anyway, for another day, yes? Thanks for your query.

    2. Sha'Tara Post author

      I’m back, though not sure where this is going to go. There is so much that I know, I know I shouldn’t know! For me only: yes, definitely life is eternal and infinite. We engage it as mind, not as grey matter. Mind knows nothing of death, but observed the changes that take place within complex physical organisms, their rise, their disintegration. It remembers, or can if allowed, the other times it has observed flesh while participating in it. It learns, and because it learns it knows that death is an illusion, if terribly powerful. If is from learning that we come to re-realize the purpose of life. If death was real and total, learning would be the greatest waste of energy imaginable, the ultimate foolishness. So we can know; we just don’t want to admit, or commit, to what common sense tells us.

      As to “first cause” that I cannot know, so I do not engage it beyond calling it Life. The gods, in my world, are real and better known as “aliens” and only from mind can we know how real they are. I call them “The Powers” and also “Time Lords”. There is nothing either good, or redeemable within them. They are the ultimate evil; the ultimate controllers and masters of the universe.

      So tired tonight. I’ll leave you with those thoughts…


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