When I was Nineteen

[thoughts from   ~burning woman~ ]

“When I was nineteen,” she said, “I thought about committing suicide.
Everything seemed cut and dried.  Art and music were fine, but could they
explain anything?  Could they tell me why I was alive or what the world was
all about?  I didn’t think so.  And ever since, I’ve lived a compromise: I
wouldn’t try to kill myself, because there was always a chance something
would happen to explain everything.”  (Songs of Earth and Power – Greg Bear)

It is the end of another year, my seventy-second year, which isn’t bad considering I’d set my “best before” termination year at fifty. It seemed reasonable at the time, what could I possibly accomplish of anything worthwhile past fifty in a society that worships (fake) youth and gobbles its world as if it is a melting chocolate ice cream?

“When I was nineteen,” she said, “I thought about committing suicide.” So did I, definitely, but my reasoning was much more pathetic: my lover dumped me. It wasn’t the first time and it certainly wouldn’t be the last, but each one brought its own degree of particular inescapable hurt.  It would be many years later, having survived (dig the maudlin self pity!) the many losses, that I realized these experiences in an otherwise sated and bloated consumerist society was how I manipulated reality to grow a bigger heart.

I began to sense that my personal pain was but one of endless extensions of this world’s pain. I began to look at ways I could use that sorrowful “me” to become a part of the rest; to make sorrow my bed partner. I learned to cry in the night and though the tears were mine, gradually they were no longer for me.

Unlike Greg Bear’s heroine in “Songs of Earth and Power” however, I did not hang around for the chance that something would happen to explain everything. I used my awareness as a key to that explanation. Since I am my awareness, my own mind, I would be the key that would open the door and allow the “something that would explain everything” to come into my life and claim me as its lover. Once more, I fell in love, this time with a very dangerous character, an actual terrorist, someone for whom there would be no secrets, the ultimate WikiLeaks.

If I desired to know, all I needed was ask and he took me upon secret paths, through mined fields, under electrified fences of razor wire, into secure, severely guarded places where explanations were taking place.  He made me listen in and I discovered that official secrets were constantly being made up with all seriousness.

The first time I saw this, I wanted to laugh out loud. Only my dangerous lover’s hand over my mouth saved me. We would leave those places, return to city traffic, lights, pedestrians, noises, smells and facades of endless body accomodations, find our own and talk through nights that became ever shorter.

“There is nothing new under the sun” he’d quote from Eclesiastes.

“But I still don’t understand” I protested. “How can there be secrets, then? How do we not know everything?”

“I will not lie to you. The truth is, there are no secrets. You’re a victim of gross mis-direction, all of the time. That is the System, how it controls you, makes you fear; makes you hope. Then it dashes your hopes, deliberately, and starts the whole thing all over again. Each time you are left drained, like losing a lover, and while you are in this heart-mind weakened state you are taken by something else, on the rebound. You don’t want to let go of that last thread of hope and the next lie weaves itself into your dying hope and pulls more out of you. This goes on until you die. Nothing is ever explained because there is nothing to explain – that’s the realization that made you want to laugh when in the vault of secrets: there are no secrets, just manufactured lies.”

“So, if I choose knowledge, what should I do?”

“Use your key. Use you. You are your own source of all the knowledge that exists; all you need do is free your mind. Trust your imagination and go along for the ride.”

“How will I know where I am going?”

“You won’t; you can’t. If you did, that would be another false path, another lie. Where is the freedom in following an already existing path? Obviously it wouldn’t be yours and if you can see it, someone designed it as a trap for you, to seduce you once again upon a way that isn’t yours and will prove disempowering and end in loss, again.”

“Why do the great teachers ask us to follow them? Their teachings?”

“Because they are lovers, not great teachers and their teachings are powerless to change anything.  Because they want you for themselves and have no intention of ever giving you anything of themselves.  Because they are liars.”

“So, no great teachers, and I know everything?”

“Yes, potentially. You need to trust yourself; believe in yourself. You need to realize you were meant to walk this path alone. In fact, there is no path, just endless choices, the best ones seemingly impossible but remember this: nothing is impossible.”

“What happens now?”

“Now I will leave you because you no longer need me. You are equipped to live your life as a self-empowered being. You not only possess the key to all knowledge, you are that key. Much of that knowledge does not pertain to this, your reality, so you must learn to choose wisely, what you keep in your pockets, in your pack, and what you leave behind for the time being.”

“I am scared to be so alone!”

“Fear is the mind killer. I will not fear, I will face my fear… do you remember that? You learned it because you already knew you would need it. Now is the time. You walk alone, you never look back, you never doubt yourself.  Goodbye, lover.”








31 thoughts on “When I was Nineteen

  1. rawgod

    You are your answer. I am mine. The same for all living beings. Doesn’t matter how you got there, or how I got there, or how anyone else gets there, the answers are in you. There is no better place to look.

  2. jim-

    Where is the freedom in following an already existing path? This has been in my thoughts for so long. One size fits all plug and play BS. The entire thing is a shell game and the experts keep the masses debating ridiculousness and half truths—or non truths. We already have it. Thank you for penning this perfect piece.

      1. jim-

        I could easily write Dave a book. He is a good guy, but reminds me of me 5 years ago. He has spent five years wordsmithing his way into hanging onto faith by cleverly worded arguments that suit him (although highly misspelled) lol. That’s what the game does to you. Everyone else can’t be crazy, can they? Yes they can. It’s the faith trap in my blog header. It’s a ruse to keep you spinning your wheels. Since Plato no one has figured out a damn thing—by design.

      2. jim-

        And thank you for the fresh thoughts. I was thinking I should just copy and paste the last half of this post, but alas, I think he needs baby steps and details for now.

      3. Sha'Tara Post author

        Well, as we both know, it is something he must work out for himself. It’s not easy to separate from a parasite that has burrowed so deep in one’s consciousness all the while claiming it is one’s best friend.

      4. Sha'Tara Post author

        Yes, it is by design. I call it programming but the people of Earth (Earthians in my language) cannot reason that they may be programmed to believe certain things. The problem arises when we cross thoughts on “WHO does the programming?”

  3. George F.

    ” there are no secrets, just manufactured lies.” Wow, now isn’t that a dose of reality? This post is a keeper! Those lies extend into all facets of our existence…from religion to politics to history…to everything and all things. A great reveal!

    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Thanks George. I think that those of us who somehow arrive at this realization need to encourage each other along. “Yes, it’s in you!” Reminds me of the discovery made by the black and white people of Pleasantville when they discovered that “colours” emanated from within themselves.

    2. sherazade

      Forse questo è anche il mio punto di vista.
      Bellissima riflessione Sha ‘Tara l articolo piu complesso sulla complessità della vita e delle sue_nostre possibilità di autodeterminazione.

      Buon anno mia cara

  4. Hyperion

    Being an introvert has helped me find that my world exists inside of me. Outside is the environment I must navigate. For me, it doesn’t matter what path I follow as long as it’s my path. Everything created and experienced by Earthians is a lie based on a few simple internal mechanisms, some of which are just innate natural limitations. The brain is a wonderful organ but it’s also a pathological liar and narcissist. Just my under explanation of the thoughts that come to mind after reading this brilliant post.

    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Quote: “The brain is a wonderful organ but it’s also a pathological liar and narcissist.” It is exactly because of that it is so easily manipulated. It is also why “the System” in its various ways insists on confusing brain with mind.

      1. Hyperion

        Exactly. It took me a while to wrestle control of my mind from my brain. That hedonistic assclown of a brain o,r head elves as I like to call it, got me in soooo much trouble with the laws of nature. For instance, it took a few hard lessons before I realized my efforts to defy gravity were pointless. I try to stay grounded now.

      2. Sha'Tara Post author

        Ah, the dichotomy and disassociation between our ‘trinitarian’ natures of spirit, mind and body! I have long wondered if our human construct, or make-up, was an attempt, back when, to create a new form of life that would always carry and champion the image of the Source, Life, as spirit, and express it into physical manifestation to interact with the created world, all of it being constantly interpreted by a mind that would be neither spirit, nor body.

        I seriously think we were an experiment and perhaps a desperate attempt by the ‘makers’ to link a physical creation that was fast moving away from its awareness of Source, or Life, back to itself before absolute horror (a non-spiritual powerful construct) would expand throughout the cosmos and result in endless cosmic conflict and warfare. I think that despite our ‘superior’ intellect and awareness, most of us were seduced by the galloping material behemoth we were supposed to “subdue and control” and instead began to use it to develop a new type of predatory power we now see evident on planet earth – the microcosm of the macrocosm. We are the ones who failed our mandate and who must return to it. I think the “Altarians” would agree with me on that assessment.

      3. Hyperion

        I do certainly agree. We are proof that our master(s) were not infallable gods. They poked the pooch on this one and we didn’t turn out so well. We are the Frankenstein. Nature will win in the end. As soon as we make our habitat uninhabitable, nature will monkey stomp us into non existence just like the lost colonies of America. Who cares if it takes a billion years to regenerate a new environment full of intelligent protozoa. Time is of no consequence to the universe. It creates and destroys simultaneously and we here are not immune. Thankfully, I’ll be feeding the dung beetles and worm borers long before the great demise through the black hole.

      4. Sha'Tara Post author

        …but…but…but, weren’t you speaking of taking over the universe? We aren’t food for maggots, even if our bodies (those not burned) do serve that purpose. Only those who have not learned the art of walking between the worlds can talk in such defeatist terms. We are free mind beings, should we dare awaken to our true state. I don’t think the ‘makers’ made any mistake, I think we simply let them down by allowing ourselves to be “temporarily” blinded, seduced and rendered mad by the poisonous power we drew from the victims we created in our madness. Essentially we remain the same as the day we were put together and sent forth to ride and guide this universe. We still have our permit to take over, but we need to change our mindset about literally everything and we need to reckon seriously with those impostors who have taken our place as ‘Guild Navigators’ in the universe. We need to remember that we have one mother of a war to fight in order to re-establish ourselves in the proper scheme of things. Our stories that we are currently bringing forth are our mission statements to the future of mankind and this universe. We can no longer allow ourselves to think small or terminal: we are the return of the Jedis, if you will. Now ask me if I’m serious!

      5. Hyperion

        Are you serious? We are taking over the universe. It will probably happen begore we know it. Actually, I enjoy having fun while being serious. You should see me in combat. I can actually make the enemy laugh before I shoot him. I always felt it was best to go out on good terms and laughing truly is the best medicine. There are probably only a few Earth dwellers that could really get my true beliefs, so I wrap them in humor like a taco. But, I suspect you would not have a problem with my beliefs although you could easily see it differently and I’m totally cool with that. You don’t learn from people with mirror thoughts but more when there is a new angle not previously considered. This is extremely difficult for Homo Twittercus to do. It’s believe my bullshit or get memed. I do get you and absolutely agree. There are 8 dimensions and likely many more. We can only fathom 3. It’s what happens in those areas that we don’t peek into that makes all the difference. We rely on our extremely limited senses and a tap dancing elf of a brain to create our reality, which in fact, is no reality at all. But hey, it’s enough to get by. However, some people have their neuro-networks all lined up just right and life is much different from thier view. I believe you are one of those rare people and you have a great sense of humor. After we get this Butlerian Jihad over with, we can go on with the Freman Jihad quaintly known as Ragnorak or Armegeddon and any other useful names we can put into play. I think it’s a when rather than an if. If we don’t manage to crack the earth into pieces, the planet will continue on in some level of recovery. Hopefully, we’ll be in one of the other dimensions and can keep on blogging.

  5. Sha'Tara Post author

    Serious enough to die for it! The more I interact with you, George and Jim (and others now showing up) the more I am LEARNING that our human empowerment comes from our acceptance of our multiplicity of beliefs. The more we are “forced” to face another set of beliefs, the more we grow in awareness and the more awareness we gain, the more … dare I say, “influential” we become, yet without any expectations. We critique, we laugh, we cajole, we suggest and all along each one of us pushes her/his own cart and knows of a certainty that all s/he needs is in there. I don’t know if we are all friends (I have a problem with that concept) but we most certainly are companions along an interesting, at times treacherous, road even if each one of us is intent upon our own aspects of that road (make that a hidden road for me as I believe I make it up as I go along!).

  6. colettebytes

    This is an illuminating post. You sure know how to blow the cobwebs away Sha’Tara. Certain truths lie below the mountain of lies… I believe you have spent years digging through the rotting layers to find that precious gift.

    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Hi Colette, wonderful to hear from you again, you seem to pop up from all over the place! I suppose I was born a rebel and began to blow away Matrix cobwebs in my pre-teens. The rest as they say is history… 🙂

      1. colettebytes

        Not always here on WordPress… Your words especially hit home with me.
        Happy 2019 Sha’Tara… For what that is worth, as I think it will be a tumultuous year! 😉

      2. Sha'Tara Post author

        Tumultuous, yes most likely. Some of us will perhaps be in a better position to weather the storm if the “economy” collapses as social media pundits insist it must. I wonder how long “they” can keep pumping monopoly money into economies and increasing an impossible “global debt” before “they” get serious about demanding payment? Because if they do not ask for it back, sooner or later the sheeple will wise up that the “debt” is a mega farce and “they” will have to cancel it as a poker game that’s gone bad since none of the players have anything left to bet with.
        Quote: The world’s debt currently exceeds $86,000 per person on average, according to the International Monetary Fund (IMF). The US, China, and Japan are the top three global borrowers, accounting for more than half of the global debt. Source: Global debt hits all-time high of $184,000,000,000,000″ — RT Business News RT.com 15 Dec, 2018

      3. colettebytes

        My own life is too tumultuous to worry about the larger social structures (at the moment). If the world crashes and burns around me, I likely might not notice unless I crash and burn with it (a distinct possibility)!

  7. Anonymous

    a question of trust, can we trust our awareness and the options it provides? this is challenging internally, deciphering lies from truth whether it’s our own or societal ones. The lie extension must be so dense, a lie within a lie, a thousand and one lies framed within a number of infinite lies. As ever the reality is grim.

    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Thanks Anonymous, I follow your line of reasoning here. When we practice honesty we realize we are mostly lied to, and we counter by lying to ourselves in an infinity of ways. Confusion upon confusion until one day I changed the “Confucius says” to “Confusion says” and it made more sense. Sense in the senseless. It must be an indication that we are totally losing it, or such awareness means we are evolving mentally… or both??? 🙂


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