[begin blog post #18]
After washing and eating I’m returned to my cage. Having won a special fight I am not expected to continue training the rest of that day. Later when the others return, as was promised, a young trainee is put in my cage. She sits next to me and nudges against me, looking to please any way she can or knows how. She runs her arms and hands over my skin to feel me.
I caress her slowly, running my long fingers through her short cropped, straight black hair, noticing her uncharacteristic lanky, skinny body covered in pure white skin, the long slim arms and long skinny legs and her large feet that seem almost ungainly on her. She has a small patch of pubic hair and her breasts are just beginning to bud. So young, I think, and so innocent. At least in looks.
I croon softly over her, letting her know that I approve of her and she need have no fear. She turns up to me and I’m staring into virtual pools of black luminescence: over-sized black eyes, reminiscent of those nocturnal arboreal creatures of Old Earth and Margaret Keane’s ‘big eyed waifs’ from Old Earth C-20; eyes that seem to penetrate into and beyond my most secret thoughts.
I’ve made an instant conquest, but so has she. This child is mine to do with as I please. If I’d ask her to kill herself for me, she’d do it without a moment’s hesitation. Such is the way. But then, if giving up my life would save hers, I’d have no hesitation either. I see myself now plunging into an abyss of feeling I’d thought could never again touch me. So much, once more, for reliance on training “in absentia.”
I cradle her and bring her lips to my hardened nipples. She suckles slowly, tenderly and I realize, happily. As easily as that I become the mother the baby never had. And just like that, I now have another purpose in a type of relationship I’d believed I could never again engage in. Blame the empty years here, my tired condition but mostly her uncanny ability to seduce. There is witchcraft in her, I can easily sense. The good kind. The kind I practised once… somewhere…
Out of the most terrible of ordeals; the greatest of trials, comes beauty and love if one knows how to move through the energies. Ah well, maybe this is where I start making a difference. If I am careful to give to this child, without taking anything from her but what she freely offers me in return. If I can bury my dark fear of losing her to the arena or to some mistake she may make and be “punished” for. If I can allow myself to be broken, not only in body, but in heart, for love of her and all of us here.
Totally broken. Yes. I know this lesson in my mind. Now I must impress it into my brain and upon my body.
“Unless a seed falls into the ground and dies it will not produce fruit.” Source is an Old Earth sacred book quoting a claimed avatar they called Jesus the Christ. How long ago was that? Thousands of years but the question is not relevant. I am able to remember: that’s what matters now. Remembering. Remembrances.
I remember some of my lessons. How I loved to say them to myself and make my feeble attempts at giving them living substance in my own life – “lives?” But in this purgatory of lost souls, can I demonstrate the cosmic truth behind these pithy sayings? Can I live them and teach them? How do I reconcile my life’s performance today with that?
I look upon my child-woman without disturbing her. Who will outlive whom? I can’t help but torture myself with wondering. I must stop thinking and just enjoy her. My child and perhaps in time, lover; perhaps even friend: the most dangerous relationship of all. Every life, however bleak, can have its moments of true tenderness. Some time ago I would have rejected that notion. Now it makes perfect sense. I feel an urge within that I must baptize this child and give her a suitable name. This one must enter her own version of Valhalla with her own name and must be given the recognition deserved. ‘Help me, Tiegli!’ I silently beseech my old friend for it was her who impressed upon me the invaluable lesson of empowerment through the simple act of giving someone a name.
I prepare myself to plunge into a much-needed deep sleep, despite the fact my heart overflows with love, my loins are filled with desire and my body is racked with a thousand lances of pain from the excessive movements I put my body through today. A perfect balance for this would-be avatar, would you say? My little one has fallen asleep with her arms wrapped tightly around my torso and her moist lips, slightly parted, brushing my nipple, leaving a tiny trail of drool to find its way, like a cool mountain stream, down my cleavage. An image, a feeling, that changes one forever.
In the weeks that follow I find myself involved in few fights. I think I am being avoided by bookies and gamblers because of a growing reputation for deadliness through apparent recklessness and ruthlessness. Indeed I have decided that due to my size it is usually safe enough to take chances and go for the kill right from the beginning of the encounter. I get less cuts, bruises and broken bones that way and return to the compound much less tired. But the risks are real, not the least of which is being considered persona non grata and receive the Court order to be summarily executed as an undesirable, a bad performer.
I am not the crowd pleaser any longer. If I am the gladiator being billed, the stands are but half filled. They certainly object to seeing a woman kill a man outright. They want play, sport, blood, but mostly they get off on the inflicting of pain. They like to see long fights where opponents are fairly well matched and do the most damage to one-another before one is killed. Entertainment. Sport as a way to assuage their miserable lusts which their system will not permit them to satisfy in other more natural ways.
I just do my “job” as per its description. But complaints are continually lodged with the handlers and trainers that the “Beast” is not being cooperative; that ‘it’ does not understand the subtleties of encounters with honour. In other words, ‘it’ is not giving ‘its’ male opponents a chance to demonstrate their honourable ways of torturing a woman to death by killing her outright in public or destroying her body through violent encounter after encounter.
Yes I am expressing spite and bitterness along with everything else, looking within to see all the things I’ve become a complete failure at achieving. I may be winning battles in the arena but Malefactus is winning the war against my mind, perhaps against my heart.
Take detachment, for example. I have become utterly and hopelessly “in love” with my child-lover, though I cannot quite locate my deepest feelings as being those for a child, or those for a lover. I don’t think I’m capable of separating the two but I have steeled myself not to make love to her. I have vowed to let her initiate that aspect of our relationship. She, on the other hand, basks in my presence, cries silently when I prepare to leave for the arena and lights up like a shooting star when I return.
Never have I experienced such gentle touch nor encountered such dedication and abandoned selflessness in a human being. She steals pieces of cloth while working the kitchens and serving tables which she stuffs in her vagina to get past the guards then hides in the straw bedding. She later uses those to bind my cuts. She takes extracts from certain fruits and vegetables which she uses in my wounds or gives me to swallow. She’s an accomplished and fearless thief and healer.
She licks and sucks the blood from my cuts, then bandages them in the night, using braided strands of split straw if she has no cloth. She is fully aware and conscious of the fact that if she is discovered she will be flogged to death – or tortured in even worse ways. It twists my heart to find her doing such things but however I caution her and ask her to desist, it is of no avail. She has her own mind, as stubborn as I. And she is tireless.
[end blog post #18]