Our World is Essentially a Violent Place (or if you wish, How did I discover myself here from there?)

[scattered remembrances from   ~burning woman~   by Sha’Tara]

This may come across as a strange piece of admission but…???

When we are young we live as if we were immortal. That is a truism except that for some of us, we do not want that immortality which translates as eternity. It demands responsibility we have no idea how to deal with.

Some of us are born watchers, observers of our world, perhaps because at birth we partially broke out of the programming, or because it didn’t take. So what do we see, or to be more personal (and honest) what did I see?

I saw that the weak and the meek get the raw deal. Though I sometimes saw the other side of the coin what hit home was its dark side: the fear, the hate, the distrust, the anger – the IN-JUST-ICE!

I cringed when the parents fought each other and there was no place to hide except under useless blankets if I couldn’t get dressed quickly enough to run for the barn and hide among the cows, not for protection but for their warmth and so as not to have to listen and feel the “terror” taking place in the house, a terror that could quickly turn against me as the convenient scapegoat.

Then I got older and saw that the family squabbles resembled the world squabbles only these were on a much greater scale. I was learning responsibility too at the same time. More choices.

Mine, I judged, was a harsh world with little leeway in terms of forgiveness. You made a mistake, you paid a price, often way beyond the weight of the mistake. The same was true of nations and races; of the poor and for the powerless gender, all claims and propaganda to the contrary.

I so desired to do away with myself but what to do? I had a life and my religion stated unequivocally that if I took that life I was damned to exist in a burning hell for eternity: again, no escape, not even the warm flank of a milk cow there. I would stare at a pitch fork and try to imagine what it would feel like to be endlessly prodded by that as a punishment for something I had done out of despair millions of years ago. I would also know that despair was another mortal sin that was added to my punishment, of course.

So no escape, just choices. I saw and felt pain, my earliest recollection. Then I saw jealousy and senseless expectations. I saw injustice and how it nurtured fear, doubt, distrust, hate, anger and brutality. Where in that did I fit in? Nowhere, but since there was nowhere to hide from all of it, and as my knowledge expanded exponentially, I sensed a growing awareness of the essential brutality of the world and I was forced to make hard choices.

I saw two: I could choose to accept and suffer the arrows of injustice upon myself and for the most helpless of the world (I did not know that was known as being empathetic) or I could fight back. Fighting back meant using violence, no matter what word is used to hide that fact and using violence meant losing my heart. It wasn’t what I wanted but it seemed to be the only logical choice.

At the beginning of this journey and still much in the dark as to who I was and what I would choose to become, I chose anger as my companion and then violence just seemed to make sense. It took several years before I realized that my reliance on anger was eating me up and then came more guilt: was I committing suicide? I wanted to leave this world desperately but was I willing to risk the potential consequences? I had already sacrificed my heart to one choice, would I lose myself for eternity?

The frightened child had grown into an adult. I had learned to bluster my way into the adult world even if I felt I were an alien or something altogether weird. I hid my real thoughts and feelings and expressed only those I thought would make me seem normal and acceptable. I used ideas and words from books, magazines, the radio, songs, sermons, political speeches, and that seemed to satisfy people even though it polarized them. For a time I was a complete stranger to myself but at least I had some mental peace, a pretense of belonging and discovered I had accessed some power.

I might continue this and explain how I came to the edge of my own personal black hole and found myself inexplicably pulled out of it.

23 thoughts on “Our World is Essentially a Violent Place (or if you wish, How did I discover myself here from there?)

  1. jim-

    I can so relate to this. And this “ I would stare at a pitch fork and try to imagine what it would feel like to be endlessly prodded by that as a punishment for something I had done out of despair millions of years ago” Or even hadn’t done! You get that shit for something someone else did or didn’t do if you believe their nonsense.

    Reply
    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Imagine being a small child being raised in a totally insular Catholic community where the only reality is Catholicism and all it stands for, only you get just their side of the story and there is no other side; no other possibility. You’re the goldfish in the goldfish bowl and the only way out is to die, but even there you are stymied by the greatest fear ever pushed on a child: fear of eternal hell so death is even worse than a life of misunderstanding and pain. How not to believe their bullshit? I was 14 when I broke free of church rituals but it wasn’t until another 20 years before I broke the programming. Even now I still hear echoes of Catholic doctrine in the back of my mind – that “force” hasn’t given up, not for a moment. To use its terminology against it, the Church is the Devil that seeks to devour those who escape from its dominion.

      Reply
  2. madraallta

    i can relate as well. I hope you do indeed relate the rest. I would be interested in what and how you learned it all.

    I lived my childhood hiding behind a couch. There was just room where the back curved for me and my siblings to fit. the top part of the couch touched the wall. we hid in the comfort of the curved back. listening and hoping that no one would find us and take out their violence on us.

    What i learned is that my parents became their parents who became their parents. They acted out what they were conditioned to do, believe. how to behave. pre-programming I call it. They lacked the wisdom to stop that chain of conditioning. I also learned I could break that chain and I believe I have. Though it haunts me sometimes. I tell it that it has no power over me anymore. ”go back to the past where you belong and leave me to my future”…

    a ritualistic burning helped as well. I took all my old letters, old toys. things of that dark past that held bad memories and burned them! In a backyard burn pit. I burned the memories and the power they still held over me. long ago i did that and strangely enough it worked. I have not lived that life. I have not been haunted by the memories. I think ”things” sometimes hold memory. Bad energy that back feeds into us if we hold on to them. so i got rid of them.

    I changed how I act in response to events of my life. I decide what response is appropriate not my pre-programming and that took decades to do! We don’t have to be our parents and we don’t have to react to events like they did. Like they taught us. If what they taught us was destructive throw it out. rebuild completely. Tear down the mental house built by parents, grand parents, relatives, old relationships, friends and teachers and rebuild it with our OWN beliefs and control of self.

    I used to react in anger sometimes. Not violent. Just getting mad and seething. When certain things would occur. It wasn’t the event that bothered me so much. It was reaction to it. When I realized that I changed. remolded myself. It can be done. must be done to survive and thrive. OR so taught myself.

    Long winded. sorry for that! You have evolved as well. perhaps our experience even bad ones are the driving force to make us evolve! Make us see through the matrix so to speak. without those experiences we might not see it ever. it sometimes takes a cataclysmic event to force that change….at least in my case it did! and i am grateful for it!

    Reply
    1. jim-

      Hiding behind a couch because of a parents fear from an unfounded fervent belief. A fear that is supposedly built on faith that is actually the antithesis of faith. Funny how that works (strange, not haha) Mommy and daddy used their freewill to take my freewill away.

      Reply
      1. Sha'Tara Post author

        So much could be said about faith, it’s such a bad idea, but I sum it up to myself thus: it’s chimera.

  3. Sha'Tara Post author

    Without spoiling the next “segment” of this personal tale I now know that changing one’s very nature is not only possible, it is absolutely necessary to break the initial programming and subsequent “traditional” upbringing. I come from an alcoholic background. All but one of my grandparents were alcoholics and abusers. My father was an alcoholic and a pedophile. My mother committed suicide at 46 and for that she is my life-long heroine, the most courageous one of the bunch. Of my six siblings I am the only one who has never had a problem with alcohol or drugs. My father told me once that I had inherited my grandmother (his mother)’s genes: she was a teetotaler and generous to a fault and even when she had hardly anything to eat she always had that “extra” to give to a poor person – she didn’t see herself as poor. Personally my first attempt at breaking free of the programming was to reject everything to do with the (French-Breton) family background. (I was born in Brittany). When it comes to nationality or race, I am nothing. I am not even Earthian. I refuse to identify with any group or label. I ascribe to no religion or political ideology either so that makes it difficult for Matrix agents to find any hooks in my mind. On top of that I’m transgendered so neither male nor female although I prefer to identify as female because in my opinion and experience “her” nature makes it easier to live a compassionate life… now and finally, and just in time for the grand finale!

    Reply
  4. equinoxio21

    Injustice is both so dominant and… so useless, as surprising as the word may sound. Inefficient? I find most of the world’s problems to stem from just that: injustice. Arrogance. Greed. Hubris (on the rise lately, buy some stock!). To me one of the greatest philosophers of all times has been Montesquieu. L’esprit des lois. Without Law, without Justice, there can be no peace. And without peace there is no progress. I have lived in so many places where there is no Law, only injustice… it makes me sick. And I see the few places where there was some justice fall back to old demons.
    Dark days ahead I’m afraid. Let’s go find a barn with some nice warm cows…

    Reply
    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Thanks for commenting, Brieuc. Injustice is the really big stumbling block to achieving a degree of peace. Indeed, it is utterly useless as those who foster it have no need of it except that it gives them a false sense of power over those they oppress, whether parents over children and on up the scale of those who rule over the powerless. Injustice is the big evil and I concur that society, civilization is choosing to return to this raw form of lawless oppression.

      Reply
      1. madraallta

        for my own part. i don’t see a lack of law…we are plagued with too many that profit some at the expense of others. The law is used to oppress and enslave. law i have learned to despise. there is no justice to be found by those who create law!

      2. Sha'Tara Post author

        Long ago I learned to differentiate between a law that acts as a deterrent against street violence and raping and pillaging mobs or mercenaries that now run rampant over so much of the world, and the laws enacted by the powerful to oppress and subdue. Those are not true laws in my view, just shenanigans as those employed by the Inquisition. The more corrupt become the politicians or ‘law makers’ the more their laws will foster injustice. In a political upset, those who take over should make it of first importance to strike those ‘laws’ from their constitution. Unfortunately corruption is now ‘the way of it’ and the illegitimate ‘laws’ remain to be used by the new bunch that replaces the old bunch and things go from bad to worse.

    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Thanks Katharine… I’ve got it all in my mind at the moment, just need some time to write it up. Maybe Sunday, I’ll get to it.

      Reply
    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Thanks Roger. I suppose that is the best way to look at it. The really good part about it as I look back upon it is, I have no sense of particular accomplishment or pride about any of it. Over time as each hurdle presented itself it seemed it was my nature that took charge and took me through. Choices, I think – we all have to make them and we end up where those choices take us. I represent one set of possibilities among seven plus billion other sets. What did Gandhi say? “I must do what I must do.”

      Reply
      1. Woebegone but Hopeful

        As one of my (then) older and wiser work colleagues once said to me, when I said I was surviving…
        ‘Roger…..Survival is Good’
        You are where you are, and are Sha’ Tara. This is Good.

  5. Hyperion

    I am continuously captivated by what I recognized early on. The House Sha’Tara is a splendid place now. To build such a mind palace, there is a time of physical and mental pain, there is the rendering of the soul as the walls get higher and the many empty rooms echo with the detritus of construction. To have a vision to build to can guide us to the realization of the vision. You have vision, deep and wide. I can feel the daily growth in my own perspectives by sharing with you all you are willing to share. I admire you Sha’Tara. I could easily see you in the role of Aenea in Dan Simmons’ Hyperion Cantos. She grew from a child to a young woman with the second sight always a blessing or curse depending on the burden of her heart and the destiny she accepted. No, you are not Aenea, you are Sha’Tara and your story is real, relatable, and a beacon to those who would shed the trappings of human inequity for humanity’s greatest virtues.

    Reply

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