How I got from There to Here-part 2

 

[getting it together    ~burning woman~    by Sha’Tara]

From the last post on this topic:

“The frightened child had grown into an adult. I had learned to bluster my way into the adult world even if I felt I were an alien or something weird. I hid my real thoughts and feelings and expressed only those I thought would make me seem normal and acceptable. I used ideas and words from books, magazines, the radio, songs, sermons, political speeches, and that seemed to satisfy people even though it polarized them. For a time I was a complete stranger to myself but at least I had some peace and a pretense of belonging and power.”

So this was the time when marriage, kids, responsibilities and full time employment ganged up on me as I plunged headlong into environmental and social activism and into politics. Obviously a perfect condition to bring in mental implosion. Certainly I learned much in those crazy years and the outworking of central power patterns began to make a bit of sense but I overloaded on the smorgasbord.

It was “too much of nothing”* The peace I knew was fake. The belonging I felt was from those who wanted to use me, or my ideas, or my mouth. The power was the same that all revolutionary leaders use and I saw the pointlessness of using it yet knew of no other source. It took me ten years to implode in which time I lost everything that meant anything to me ending up without home or family or real friends along with a seriously deteriorating health, and I was only thirty four. I could barely walk or get in a vehicle and drive. What had been diagnosed as collapsing disks in my late teens had worsened and I was looking at a wheelchair condition.

I reached the edge of the abyss and looked down the black hole but it no longer scared me. I decided enough was enough and planned my quiet exit. The fateful day came but things did not go as intended. There was an “intervention” which at the time, being still a believer, I attributed to God. I was “miraculously” healed of my symptoms and given some very strict directions on how I should proceed with the rest of my life. There were conditions, not that the healing wasn’t real but it would not “take” if I did not change my entire perception of what one’s life is for; what it’s all about.

“We’re not going to ask you to change your world, just your own nature. Will you agree to that? Will you agree to trust us?”

I had no idea what that “trust” would entail but at that moment I felt there was nothing left to lose so I agreed. I made the commitment to change. Christianity calls it being born again and that’s what I called it except that this wasn’t to be a ritual, it was to be a tough and often harsh time of life change. Every new idea about myself I came up with I had to put to the test. Those who watched over me at that time I dubbed “the Teachers” and nothing would get past them. I still did some ghastly stupid mistakes and they had to save my life a couple more times but I meant to change and they knew it better than me.

Let me introduce, in name only, my three life savers and changers: YLea, El Issa and Phaelon. They never said why I was the recipient of their attentions, only that I should pay close attention for their time would eventually be up and they stayed around at great risk to themselves. I wouldn’t understand that until years later when I came to figure out the workings of the “Powers” in this universe.

As I worked through their many teachings I discovered how we are programmed and so easily brainwashed. I went through the process of arguing for the shutting down of my “soul implant” with a representative of the Powers and achieved the neutralizing of it. Sounds like la-la land doesn’t it? Well, much more could be accomplished on this world if such information was taken at face value. The reason nothing, and I mean nothing, ever gets resolved here is because of that programming implant. It’s there, in everyone, whether one believes it or not: not knowing a thing does not make that thing unreal. Many, oh so many, however, believe the programming that their “soul” is their very essence, and so it is for it’s a matter of belief and practice. That keeps the wheel of fate, or karma, turning.

Once the implant was neutralized and the tendency to repeat bad performance was under control of my own mind I saw things I had never understood. Three things I’ve gone on about a lot came up for review: faith, hope, love. After much analysis and testing I unilaterally rejected all three as having any sort of value to me. They belonged to the Powers, their systems of oppression and of course to the Earthian cooperative called civilization, as did their opposites: faithlessness, hopelessness and hate. I realized that if I held on to the three positives I’d have to remain enslaved to the three negatives. Oh the joys of living in duality.

Many things were explained to me, or became obvious through tests and trials. False morality could be replaced with living a compassionate life. That took years to understand because compassion can only be understood by living it. It cannot be taught. To live compassion it was obvious that I would have to become detached from all the things that were of convenience, importance or comfort to me – they could no longer matter. “When none of it matters it will all be yours.” said YLea. Make no mistake I’m still struggling with that after almost forty years of experimenting.

I learned the necessity of living the self empowered life. Ultimately every decision I made for or in my life had to come from me and only me. Nothing anyone else offered or proposed could I accept at face value (except the Teachers, but after their twenty year “tour of duty” with me they were gone and I was truly alone. Everything had to be weighed on a personal scale and every decision was signed in blood, i.e., I had to put my life on the line – and I continue to do this.

No more games, no more pretense, no more Earthian shenanigans. No more religions, politics or even allowing myself to think that money could ever solve any problem. No more social contracts. I had become a Watcher and an avatar of compassion. I had broken free of the programming of social conditioning. No more gregariousness or attraction to the herd. I had become one and although my new nature made me inclusive in terms of outreach to others, I was now an exclusive individual, a kind of spiritual lone rider or knight errant.

Why is reaching such a condition so important? I’ll tell you straight: the Earthian social condition is corrupt to the core. It is led by corruption and it feeds on corruption. It is endemic to the entire complex called civilization and it has no cure. Any individual so motivated can find an individual cure for her/himself but that comes at the extreme price of mental and spiritual independence from all that is of Earthian provenance and systems including independence from any Power, God or Goddess recognized or worshiped by any collective.

That is how I got from there to here and that is how I will go from here.
________________________________________________

Too Much of Nothing
Bob Dylan (1967) – The Basement Tapes

Too much of nothing
Can make a man ill at ease
One man’s temper might rise
While another man’s temper might freeze
In the day of confession
We cannot.

(More at MetroLyrics)

11 thoughts on “How I got from There to Here-part 2

  1. Sha'Tara Post author

    Thanks Regis, as to your question about others I’m certain there are. Those who express themselves on the Internet are but a minuscule minority of the teeming billions of Earth and there are so many ways of reaching the same conclusion.

    Reply
  2. sherazade

    Una tua esperienza di vita che mi è molto difficile da capire Forse perché pur riconoscendo le sovrastrutture che ci imbrigliano io mi muovo a piccoli passi senza lacerazione.
    shera

    Reply
    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Your comment translated: “Translated: One of your life experiences that is very difficult for me to understand Perhaps because while recognizing the superstructures that harness me I move in small steps without laceration. Shera
      People often ask why I say the things I say, or why I have chosen a certain lifestyle that runs counter to the grain of society, and so I try to explain, using different words and imagery. In the end though, whether you understand or not, we all must be accountable to ourselves for our choices and each one of us is different in character, in mind, in spirit. We all see the world differently and respond to that vision accordingly, yes?
      Translated for you: “Le persone spesso chiedono perché dico le cose che dico, o perché ho scelto un certo stile di vita che va contro il grano della società, e così cerco di spiegare, usando parole e immagini diverse. Alla fine però, che tu comprenda o no, tutti dobbiamo essere responsabili nei confronti di noi stessi per le nostre scelte e ognuno di noi ha un carattere diverso, nella mente, nello spirito. Tutti vediamo il mondo in modo diverso e rispondiamo di conseguenza a questa visione, sì?”
      Sha’Tara

      Reply
      1. sherazade

        Mia cara non devi vedere giudizi nel mio breve precedente pensiero semplicemente il tuo percorso di vita non so quanti anni tu abbia ma credo abbastanza ti ha portato anche di fronte a scelte forti di fronte alle quali ci si interroga.
        La mia morale gli insegnamenti che ho appreso mi portano ad essere aperta generosa compassionevole è in buona misura in contrasto attivo con un mondo di diseguaglianze.
        that’s it.
        love shera

      2. Sha'Tara Post author

        This one was a bit tough to translate but I think I got the gist of it. I believe that in every of rising narcissism and accompanying violence we as thinking individuals are called to rise above the ‘noise’ of our society and provide a living example of the opposite through, as you say, generosity and compassion. Thank you for that wonderful comment, Shera. (How much time have I got? I’m 72 year old and I’m healthy, so probably much more time than I care to have. The trick will be to use it well.)
        Translated: Questo è stato un po ‘difficile da tradurre ma penso di averne capito il senso. Credo che in ogni narcisismo crescente e violenza che accompagna noi come individui pensanti siamo chiamati a superare il “rumore” della nostra società e fornire un esempio vivente del contrario attraverso, come dici tu, generosità e compassione. Grazie per quel meraviglioso commento, Shera. (Quanto tempo ho? Ho 72 anni e sono sano, quindi probabilmente molto più tempo di quanto mi interessi avere. Il trucco sarà usarlo bene.)

  3. Hyperion

    What a journey. I too confess to visits by others early in life. I also have prescience when my mind is not burdened with lack of sleep and my involvement in the sociopolitical world. It is mind numbing. My escape is already planned. Execution of plans is my forte. Basically, I was to seek and experience every aspect of the human condition so that I would understand the path to follow. I did that, am still doing it. There are others like us that I communicate with from other countries and vast backgrounds but their experiences are similar and conclusions also similar. My journey of experience has given me vast insights into this world which I accept at face value. I have already seen too many times that every action has its unintended consequences like the expanding rings of water originating from the point a stone entered the water. How long those rings last and how far they travel is dependent on the body of water, not the stone. This is an important difference in our lives we should recognize. I am glad you made the transition and do hope you continue to be the pathfinder, the watcher, the teacher.

    Reply
    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Thanks again Daniel and… nothing to add to that. To your last line though, the “transition” was made successfully and the chances of a reversal are zero!

      Reply
      1. Hyperion

        To that I have to add the old soldier’s shout of solidarity with the brothers and sisters in arms, Hooaahh!

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