Wow… as Bob Crachit would say, “I am behind my time…” Indeed life has been crazier than usual and apart from a bit of blogging comments, I’ve had little time for the blog and particularly for the Manifesto. But, here’s blog post #54, and more to come.
… As a true T’Sing Tarleynan female would answer she replies, “What I think no matter. Men, they decide. Woman think? That is waste. Eat, sleep, make love, train to fight and kill. That is fighter woman do. Think waste energy; mix up in head. Make weak, stupid. I be strong soon, strong and fast. I train good. I live long. Maybe you like me, you take me. Hold me, make love. Be lover, be friend. Be family to me. I train with you, huh?” She pinches my muscles on my tight stomach. “You like old skin, strongest of fighter woman they say. Desert Beast, huh? Proud I be slave to you. Teach me strength you do. I fight for you.”
[end blog post #53]
[begin blog post #54]
Chapter 25 – Measuring Times by my Losses
And so begins another episode. Seems I’m now measuring my times by my losses. While I remain awake, having now cradled this new child between my legs and in my arms and lulled her to sleep, I keep thinking of Deirdre. I feel my emptiness and the suffering of my heart is worse than what I suffered in the dungeons of the inquisition. Especially do I rue the fact I could not say goodbye. That hurts more than anything. Did she suspect during those last hours? She would have known something was going on. She would have felt it, sensed it. She would also have known that the discovery of it would cause us great pain and thus would have kept silent.
‘Ah, Deirdre. Soon you will wake up on a world I hope is beautiful to behold. A world that will cause you much less pain than this one. I would have invited you to find your way to Altaria, as I did for Tiegli, but that would have been a violation of my “contract” with the Koronese. They saved you because they need you, girl. They hope to discover the source of your miraculous empathic nature. Perhaps they can isolate those genes and clone truly empathic Cydroids? Perhaps a child from a Koronese father who will have your strange nature? Please help them, Deirdre, for to that it seems you were called. For that we met and your physical life was saved. Take care. I shall love you forever…’
Tiki turns and sighs. I look at the small sleeping girl-woman in the pale light of Albaral. I vow not to become attached to this one. And how am I going to go about avoiding that? I’m not made that way here. Something’s changed from the mind I had during the Melkiar wars. The very paucity of love here has made me want to become pure love to these children. Looks like I’m heading for another compromise that is going to peel another layer of protection from my heart and make me bleed internally even more than externally.
“Teach me strength you do.” she said without any doubt I could do so. Damn right I will ‘teach you strength.’ I will make you like the rock of this place. I will give you all you need to be as happy as any child can be in such circumstances. I will give you all the advice and training I’m capable of. I’ll make you into a superb T’Sing Tarleynan fighting machine – the best of their own they’ve ever seen, though I’m certain not a one of them will be able to appreciate your talents or skills All you will remain for them is someone, no not someone, but a thing, to perform indignities upon, to damage, defeat, destroy and finally, to kill.’
Maybe, now that my mind is clearer, I will find a way to give this being a “soul” – a mind implant, a gift of some long-forgotten goddess that will change her into a born-again human. As long as I’m measuring my times here by my losses, I can afford to lose another dream. I can dream, no one can take that away from me.
And in this dream I must also discover, not the nature of evil, but the final path to its source from which it can be defeated. Evil, you are my ultimate enemy.
When Tiki sleeps peacefully against me and the ache of losing Deirdre has dulled to a tolerably manageable level I will perform this exercise. I will exorcise from myself the power of that dormant monster; of all the evil that ever touched me, that I have touched and that I have worked with. I will remember the feelings that it gave me. That horror that I buried deep in my subconscious so long ago, the parts of it that thrilled me when I refused to consider alternatives; those I killed in turn after they had killed all that I loved. That source of evil within myself I will expose to the light of what I have become in this place. Thus I will bring forth the rest of the knowledge I need to complete my task here, by “faith” in life and by example for others.
The process: Access, study, feel, understand, delete. Yeah, I should have been a Cydroid. For it is one of our truisms that we, human and Avatari alike, cannot delete our past; cannot disown it. We can but dis-empower or empower it according to our present need and understanding.
And in my sleep I dream of the constant we call “evil” but it is a sweet dream, not a nightmare.
[end blog post #54]