Tonight I Shall let my Heart Speak

(a poem… by Sha’Tara, testing my own darkness)

Tonight, I said to myself,
When darkness has fallen
I shall let my heart speak.

(A moment of madness
or sudden bravery?)

I do not trust the language of the heart,
The language of emotion, of the past.
I do not trust the memories it recalls
How can I ever prove if they be true or false?

Then my heart speaks:
Distorted images of forgotten memories
Swamp my tired mind.

(I regret, too late, opening that door
to an old past disowned long ago.)

Cold dead things arise from foggy depths,
Feelings, thunderclouds beyond the hills:

They say, this is you, oh yes, this is you!
You made us, we are your past and we are!

Oh heart! Accuser, torturer,
Can you not forget?
Can you not leave me be?

(Have you ever heard its laughter,
your own heart mocking you?)

You should not have opened this Pandora’s box,
All alone in the night, in your own personal darkness.
You cannot put us back in there now, however you try,
We’ll hover forever about your worthless mind.

Will morning dissipate these Djinns?


28 thoughts on “Tonight I Shall let my Heart Speak

  1. Regis Auffray

    A powerful and expressive poem that gives birth to thoughts and emotions with which I am well familiar. Succinct and to the point, your verses have the desired effect, they draw your readers in and I am quite sure, I am not the only one who can relate and “feel” what you are conveying.

    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Thank you Regis. It’s a place I get sucked into sometimes which personal integrity forced me to share publicly. I am usually “seen” as someone who does not have to fight with those demons, or who simply doesn’t care about “the small world” we all inhabit. So there you have it, I’m human after all, who’d a thought it.

    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Thank you Theresa (NO! It’s Sarah, I know that – damn!!!) Somewhat of a confession, as I shared with Regis, that I’m just as vulnerable to such passages as everybody else. Self empowerment doesn’t mean we become some super being who lives above the foibles of being human. It that was the case what would be the point of remaining here? One could no longer share feelings with others and any claim at empathy would be a farce. 🙂

      1. thesarahdoughty

        Oh yes, I know that you mean. This kind of goes back to one of the conversations I had a few moments ago on a poem of mine. There is a difference between understanding that you are where you are today for a reason, and claiming you are 100% okay with it. Often, you don’t want to regret the past because of the changes it would have made to your life today.

      2. Sha'Tara Post author

        Yes. Often people will remain in their dysfunctional past simply because to let it go, the change, would entail additional discomfort and pain, even though temporary. Better the evil you know and all the rest…

      3. thesarahdoughty

        Ah, I understand. I often find leaving my pained past behind is rather difficult. Not so much due to fear of what knowledge may befall me if I have let go. At the same time, the bleak outlook of our collective future is rather painful to fathom.

      4. Sha'Tara Post author

        Thanks for commenting, Sarah. Quote: “the bleak outlook of our collective future is rather painful to fathom.” Well, it is that, hence why the Teachers insisted that the future of Earth did not belong to any collective, but to self empowered individuals. Because of our insistence upon self reliance in spirit and mind, we would develop new powers. We would no longer be slaves to leaders of collectives; we would no longer accept regurgitated thoughts, theories and ideas coming from a few “ancient smart guys” (yes, mostly guys, it’s the patriarchy after all!) and re-interpreted for the times to perpetuate an entropic system. The new race of people will be fully human in expression, i.e., they will no longer kill. They will be compassionate and empathetic. They will know no fear, not of man, nature or any spirit forms or deities. They will be the ones who transform the Earth, stopping the path of destruction accompanying the entropic demise of this civilization and creating a whole new way; a whole new understanding of life, the cosmos, relationships. They will have no regard for the old ways, in fact they will destroy all vestiges of this civilization. Nothing “man made” will survive their purge. Our future and our real freedom lie in that direction. We reject, we destroy, we create anew.

      5. thesarahdoughty

        Well, if that is the future for us, I certainly hope there’s less of a dytopian feel of room on the horizon. Maybe for a change, women should take the lead.

      6. Sha'Tara Post author

        The dystopian “feel” of today regarding the future is because subconsciously the majority already know they won’t make it. Self empowerment is, to the moderns, not worth the effort – too much to lose, too many perks to let go of. As for women taking the lead, the future belongs to self empowered individuals. Neither gender, nor age, plays much of a role in it except by choice and experience. A young person lacking experience will have many opportunities to gain such. A woman who would rather be a stay-at-home mom will be naturally integrated into the larger picture. Evil behaviour (recidivism) will be dealt with severely and definitely. The “hows” of this would take a very thick book to attempt explaining!!!

  2. sherazade

    La mattina dissiperà i ricordi quelli che il cuore ha trasmesso alla mente e la mente pragmatica ha distorto impoveriti.
    Il cuore mi mi culla nella notte Lancia una sottile sia di miele Non posso pensare diversamente non saprei come affrontare il ca temi del giorno…
    Non credo sia giusto rinnegare il passato ma piuttosto fare lievitare il buono per poco che sia.
    Ciao dolce malinconica Sha ‘Tara

    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Sì! Non intendevo far esplodere troppo, solo il mio modo di comunicare che vivere la “vita auto-potenziata” non rende uno un super essere. Conosco molte cose al di fuori del normale contesto ma il mio corpo e il mio cuore sono qui, lo stesso di chiunque altro. Avevi ragione, la mattina ha risolto la malinconia !!!
      (Transl: Yes! I did not intend to blow this up too much, just my way of communicating that living the “self empowered life” does not make one a super being. I know a lot of things beyond the normal context but my body and my heart, they are here, the same as anyone else. You were right, the morning resolved the melancholy!!!)

  3. deteremineddespitewp

    Ever do these malignant fogs roll in, when we least expect them.
    This was a very strong and lyrical illustration Sha’ Tara describing both the assault and the awareness of the assault, which is a sort of fight back. Even when it hurts
    And when taken in small doses are salutary reminders of how mortal and flawed we are.

  4. Sha'Tara Post author

    Quote: “salutary reminders of how mortal and flawed we are.” That’s exactly what the “lesson” was about. There can arise a seriously dangerous sort of hubris when one begins to believe that she is above her own flawed mortality. Pride is ever there to take us down while making us believe it is pushing us up. We certainly have enough glaring public examples of that these days. If this was a tweet I suppose I would have to end with “Sad.”

  5. Hyperion

    I enjoy this poem as much for the emotional grip it has as the vulnerability it shows when reflection and introspection makes one cringe. But that is exactly how we grow ourselves. From the soil we rise and bloom.

    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      Well stated, Daniel. “From the soil we rise and bloom” and if we are wise we won’t spend too much time worrying about the lifespan of our particular blossoming. We will enjoy it, use it to feed the bees or make seeds; please a passing child or a pair of lovers and perhaps we will be snatched up to die on a living room table in a vase of stagnant water… whatever. A purpose will be served.

      1. Hyperion

        You had me running mindless in slow motion through fields of wild flowers. And then the abrubt tumble head first into the stagnant water where only my exposed buttocks were evident to traumatize the gathering crowd. I imagined the legend of the Ass of Sleepy Hollow was born. Some purposes may be better than others but at least a purpose was served.

      2. Sha'Tara Post author

        We must remain mindful of our chosen purpose lest we become fodder for the System, or another’s purposes.

      3. Hyperion

        Yes indeedy Sha’Tara. I bear many scars of the system having been fodder for way too long. But, thankfully, I did have an awareness that I did not suppress and it guided me well to freedom.

  6. Phil Huston

    A past disowned long ago

    Great line. Full of emotion. Dissonant, harmonious, detached, engaged all at once. A great line puts you right there with more questions than answers.

    1. Sha'Tara Post author

      There’s hope for me yet then… I can write great lines… well, at least one!!! Now to find another one… think! think! Oh, the pain!


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