Tag Archives: Choices

The Self-Destruct Button

          [thoughts in the night, by Sha’Tara]

Oh hell! I  cried out loud to no one, in my small basement apartment and long after darkness had fallen accompanied by persistent clouds that dutifully hid moon and stars.

At least the orangy street lamp is working, casting a pale glow upon wet pavement and small pools. It’s the normal for this place, at this time of year – but it’s not what made me cry out.

What did make me cry out? A feeling, or a series of feelings feeding upon each other.

What sort of feeling/feelings? The sort you’re not supposed to have. The ones that want to probe the darkness and expose its lurid underbelly. The ones not politically correct. The ones that, upon reeling themselves back into the mind say, ah, screw it – everything is going to hell and none of it is fixable.

Let me explain myself to myself, and you can listen in. There is no philosophy grand enough to turn a people away from their fixation with the auto-destruct button once pointed in that direction, and let me tell you this: man’s current leadership has mastered the art of pointing: it’s called propaganda, only people call it news.

People are running, laughing, screaming, cursing, waving flags, cheering and booing their corrupt, psychopathic, perverted, misogynist, racist, elitist presidential and prime ministerial fodder to their destruction. They’re ready to maul and kill anyone who would stand in the way of their choice and they will most certainly destroy their living environment just to get to mash that shiny red button clearly marked “Self Destruct.”   

I took a break, it lasted a wee bit longer than anticipated, twenty four hours, in fact, but you never know with breaks, and now it’s over.

My feelings aren’t quite as raw as last night’s but I have no trouble getting them back. The world I’ve become aware of guarantees that.

 They say, and it’s a truism, that we are born to die. I’ve always been aware of that, the one thing we know for sure isn’t fake news. Our body gives us so many years to play at being alive then it conks out, or peters out…

 Thing is, unless we’re suicidal we don’t have much control over the “when” of death. That means I can’t just decide, today, to call it quits, to say ‘enough is enough’ and walk away. I mean I could, it’s called losing interest in everything, but I don’t think I’m made that way. The awake mind is a curious thing, a questing thing, the puzzle solver, the riddle master. For every answer it will throw up a dozen more questions and the rabbit hole only gets deeper.  

 To the question then, why are people in general so eager to test the apocalypse switch? Why the general group think to end it all? Just to see the fireworks? Or, as some claim, is it that at the heart of every Earthian is the false hope, belief, or faith, that it only happens to the other and “I” will remain alive to watch the horror show from the comfort of my Lazy-boy chair or leaning on the railing of the patio of my friend’s 8th floor apartment?

 “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Could it be that the vast majority of Earthians,  believers or not, actually ascribe to this patently false biblical claim? Could this false reality exist as a necessary part of the programming?

I – Don’t – Know! I don’t have an answer to that one.

 But that takes me back to my desire to scream. Personally, I don’t want to see, or experience, any sort of apocalypse. It’s a truly dumb idea. Do you want to participate in one? Do you believe the fairy tale that “you” can survive it? If you did, what would be the point? Alone on a devastated world, what sort of end could you imagine for yourself in the aftermath? Or are you of those benighted who believe some god is going to see to it personally that you are spared the gruesome aspects and install you on your own private cloud space to watch the horror show and “REJOICE!” even at the bloodbath put on for your own entertainment?

          I believe we, as relatively intelligent creatures, can not only switch from apocalyptic thinking but change the world to become an unrecognizable reality: literally a paradise. People who think like this are usually called naïve, utopians, dreamers. Again, the group think is, “can’t happen so forget it.”  The same individuals who believe in survival also believe an apocalypse is inevitable and often do all in their power to bring it about. 

What does that say about that sort of thinking? What do you call someone desperate to survive, to live as long as physically possible, yet nurturing apocalyptic thinking, of total decimation of a world? Doublethink or cognitive dissonance? Either way, not logical.

Could we have a utopia on Earth? Of course. Not only that but bringing about a utopia is a much easier task than bringing about an apocalypse. Apocalypses are costly, complex, messy, bloody and ultimately pointless affairs. All a utopia needs is for individuals, of their own free will, to become compassionate then let compassion demonstrate the way out of all the violence, the greed, the lust, the infamy, the corruption, the innate selfishness that are now growing together like dark storm clouds to pave the way for the apocalypse, for the end.

It’s simple enough, too simple maybe. 

and… PS, not a great piece of writing but food for thought, perhaps? 



Sally Urquart

[a short story –  by Sha’Tara]

The law required that the local council call a public meeting, so they did, on a Wednesday evening, for 7:00 PM. It being the middle of the week, “they” knew that many commuters would be unable to attend and that was the point, wasn’t it. Me and my political group of “Greenies” as we were labelled attended, of course, and tried to get as many of our supporters as we could to oppose the proposed development of a new strip mall that included an anchor super market from a major multinational food distribution and retail corporate group. We didn’t need another food store, we already had two perfectly adequate ones. But it’s the old story, isn’t it. Money talks, bullshit walks.

The meeting got underway and despite some heated interruptions and cries of “lies, lies!” the presentation by two corporate shills was concluded and the meeting opened to questions. The questions and borderline speeches came hard and fast. A couple of angry residents were forcefully expelled but the mood did not relax.

After most of the participants had had their say and were summarily cut off from further discussion, that’s when she came forth. A pleasant looking young woman I had never seen, wearing a simple blue sweat shirt and faded jeans, in sandals yet imposing enough in height: she must have been close to six feet if an inch. Her long dark hair was tied back with a scarf. She wore no makeup and her fingers, when she took the mike, showed her to be a worker of the soil. She had a good tan too, and it was of the honest kind: from the sun, obviously. From where I sat I couldn’t tell the colour of her eyes but they were piercing.

She held a brown envelope in her left hand which she placed on the podium and she addressed the meeting in a very soft and gentle voice that forced everyone to listen intently in order to hear. As a hopeful politician, there’s a trick I would have to learn. She greeted “Mr. Mayor” by name, as well as the six council members, one having recused himself due to known conflict of interest in the matter. To the rest of us she said, “Hi neighbours, my name is Sally Urquart and I realize most of you don’t know me but I live here too and I have an interest in this community, and the well-being of its children. I am not here to oppose the development being discussed because I don’t have to. It isn’t going to happen.”

You could have heard a pin drop. “Mr. Mayor” had his mouth open but no sound came. I was on the edge of my seat.

She continued, “I have here some documents that indict your mayor and three of “his” councillors sitting before you. These documents, of which these are but copies, are now filed with the Crown attorney but I was given the opportunity to bring my discoveries to this meeting so you would all know; so the local paper, represented here by Jim Leeson, reporter, could have the goods firsthand.

“Your mayor is facing charges of high level corruption for accepting bribes from the main anchor of the proposed strip mall, Food Source, and for openly lying about his involvement in this matter to the electorate, that is you people here, and the rest of this community. As for the other three councillors whom I need not name, they shared in the mayor’s bribe money and future interest in the venture’s profit.

“Food Source, on a plea bargain, has already admitted to the bribes and additionally to being in violation of provincial law by knowingly attempting to develop prime agricultural land currently in protected agricultural land reserves. I have little more to add except to say that your mayor and three councillors here present are now under arrest.”

At that moment four RCMP officers came in the hall and took charge of the individuals, reading them their rights and taking them out a side door though not in handcuffs which many of us would have liked to see. ‘Good riddance,’ I thought. Then I looked for Sally but she had disappeared, along with her brown envelope.

It took a bit of digging but we found out that she had been an attorney for the Crown, had resigned for personal reasons, then had accepted a temporary assignment on behalf of the Crown to investigate the Food Source strip mall affair and the town of Green Oaks’ council. During her investigative work she had quietly bought a one acre parcel of land with a few dilapidated out buildings, had moved a mobile home on it and begun her work of clearing the land and doing some serious gardening.

At our next meeting we decided we had to have “Sally” on our executive. We needed her savvy, her poise and her so seductive voice. We had to send a delegation to her and find out how we could persuade her to join with us. It was agreed that myself and my side kick, photographer, recorder, documentary maker, Phil Tompkins would be the delegation.

We found Sally at the back of her property, clearing blackberries and replacing fence posts. She looked much as she had at the town meeting, except for the added wide-brimmed Aussie hat and boots. She greeted us with an open smile, offered to go to the trailer and make coffee, which we declined because it would have interrupted everything. Without beating around the bush I told her what we had to offer her if she would join our organization. She would be our nominee for the next provincial election which was in less than two years’ time. She accepted the introductory parphernalia we offered her, accepted that Phil video’d our conversation. She was never one lost for words and I admired her even more on that day.

“Would you like some time to think this over, Sally? Maybe I could come back in a couple of days or so?” She made it easy to talk to her and us being of approximately the same age made our interaction ever smoother.

“Oh, that’s very kind of you, but I’ve always been one to make quick judgment calls and decisions. Your proposal is persona non grata here, I’m afraid. The moment you join an organization your personal life ends and you become an adjunct of other people’s thoughts, decisions and choices. When I became an attorney I was under the delusion that I could be an independent; that I could pick my cases and handle them the way I felt was right. That didn’t happen, was never going to happen, so I resigned as Crown counsel. Now I am an independent. I take pro bono or quasi pro bono cases entirely on my own, and my investigations which I prefer to court room presentations, pay the bills.”

Then she pointed around at her property. “This though is who I am. This acre of land, such as it is, is my real world. I live here. I share it with the beasties, the trees, the plants, the sun, wind, rain and snow and whomever comes to visit and doesn’t mean to stay. This is my universe.

“I can understand your group wanting to use me – yes that is the proper term – because of certain skills I possess and because of my self-possession but if I acquiesced, I would lose the very things that make me what I am. I’m not for sale. If you need some information dug up, if you even run into legal problems then come to me and I’ll do what I do best: I’ll unravel the ball of twine for you until you learn to do it for yourselves. Do you have an investigator in your group? An attorney of sorts? If not, get them. If you’re going to play this game you have to play with a full deck and a not few cards up your sleeves. That’s how the other side does it. That’s all I have to say. I rest my case.” She smiled again, leaning gently on her long-handled brush cutter.

Now here I am, Jenny Derksen, on my own little parcel of land outside a different town. Yes, some years ago I aspired to become a politician. When Sally Urquart turned down my appeal, I listened to what she had to say and after I narrowly lost my very first attempt at becoming an MLA (Member of the Legislative Assembly for those not familiar with Canadian political terminology) I began to listen once again to Sally’s words. Joiners can never be their own person and I had seen more and more of that as I struggled with our own growing bureaucracy. I was becoming less of a human being and more of something that endlessly needed to be shaped, goaded, driven, counselled, trimmed, managed. One night it came to me and I literally threw up realizing what was happening. There and then I quit, walked away. I was an elementary school teacher and I could do quite well on my salary. I didn’t want the limelight, I wanted to be me and certainly the bureaucracy of the education system was already more than I could take. I didn’t need the added burden of politics that benefited higher and higher up opportunists. I could teach “my children” and one of them might even be the next Greta Thunberg. Ah! Dare to dream!

Oh yes, I wear a worn sweatshirt and faded jeans most times at home, as well as a wide brimmed Aussie hat, boots optional, and I remain unmarried though not without many good offers and opportunities. When some of “my children” come to visit, we work or play in the back gardens or if it rains, we go inside and bake, or I teach them how to sew or we play games – rule #1: no cell phones, no tablets, no TV.

I did learn some important lessons from Sally. Did we become friends? No, that wasn’t necessary. In the few moments we interacted we got all we would ever need from each other. She taught me to become a self empowered person, the greatest “gift” anyone can give another.

Love and Compassion… or is it Love versus Compassion?

        [thoughts from   ~burning woman~   by Sha’Tara]

Let’s dive in with this quote from D. H. Lawrence:

“Life and love are life and love, a bunch of violets is a bunch of violets, and to drag in the idea of a point is to ruin everything. Live and let live, love and let love, flower and fade, and follow the natural curve, which flows on, pointless.”

There’s so much being said in those two lines.  Life and love are life and love just as a bunch of violets is a bunch of violets.  We have a saying here, “a thing is what it is and it isn’t something else.”  …and: Bingo!  Love is love and it isn’t something else.  Now then, can we define love?  I think it’s very easy: love is an emotion.  Therefore love is not any of those other things people (with agendas) “love” to drag love into.

For example, the biblical injunction to love your neighbour as yourself, or to go even further and to love your enemy, and one step more: to give your life for another because of love.  Well, here’s why that has never worked and will, guaranteed, never work: you can’t force an emotion, you can only experience it after something else has happened.  Love therefore is never a motivator, it is the result of something else having happened first.

I don’t see any problem with that; no difficulty in understanding it.  So carrying this on, love then, can only be reciprocal: it manifests only as a result.  It is dependent upon a cause.  Whatever the cause may be, love will manifest and will carry on the nature of the cause.  Hence, you can love your country and kill or be killed for it (a blatant contradiction to the claims made of love) because you first are a brainwashed patriot who has never asked: what do they mean by “my country?”  What am I defending, against whom, for whom?  In comes the enemy.  Can I love my country, defending it against an enemy and love that enemy at the same time?  Am I a spiritual contortionist?

Let’s briefly look at the most common type of love: romantic.  Two people with the right combination of chemicals acting simultaneously “fall in love” and when this is acknowledged, desire flares up usually to sexual intercourse.  It is called “falling” because for those caught in the vise, it is a falling, not a deliberate engagement to a carefully considered end.  Certainly some relationships begun as love, continue, and end well.  But to claim such are sustained entirely by love is giving “love” false credit.  I consider this type of love as a form of suicide… 🙂

As there is no point to any emotion, so there is no point to love.  Emotions are exhaust from feelings.  We get feelings from a variety of sources, some physical, some mental, body and mind reacting to even more primitive or distant input.  Feelings are analyzed and used or discarded.  This process creates emotions.  The main problem with the emotion of love is, people have been erroneously taught (for controlling purposes and to create guilt) that they can use love as a motivating force.  Sure, just as much as you can use your car exhaust to fuel your car.  Love is entropic.  Love does not arise from deliberation, from rational thought.

Is it “love versus compassion” after all?  Once more into the fray, let’s see if I can make this point: that love and compassion are not buddies but diametrically opposite.  I hear people say, “with love and compassion we could…”  That’s like saying, “with salt and sugar we could doctor our coffee.”  Predictably, the result of such thinking, and it is global in scope, is that nothing changes or you have an inedible cup of coffee.  In fact to the great dismay of those who promote “love” as the modus operandi for the world’s ruling agencies change goes from bad to worse… always.  Yes, that’s always.

What then is the big deal with compassion?  Compassion is a power, a source of energy.  It is a stand alone program that can be used as an operating system for the entire spirit-mind-body that we call a human being.  Compassion is there.  I cannot choose to have compassion, I already have it, having been born an *ISSA being.  It is part of me, of you, of all sentience.  All an individual need do is choose to use that particular operating system rather than those offered by the Matrix, which translates as the status quo or the System.

Switching to compassion as our OS will mean a change of programming, naturally.  If  you’ve ever switched from Microsoft Windows to Linux you know what I mean.  This new OS is lean and uncompromising.  It will remove three of man’s most common virtues and foibles: faith, hope and love.  Gone.  Under compassion, you learn to live independently, as a self-empowered being.  The choices you make now are not suggested, they are dictated by compassion.  Your choices become non-choices because any attempt to use to old ways will result in an error message.  For example, if you are thinking of using “love” in a particular dilemma the message will read: “The concept you are attempting to introduce is incompatible with your current programming.”  Then you remember, and you return to your new nature and re-discover that compassion is all you need to approach your current situation.

Advantages of compassion over love: compassion is a part of you, love only manifests as emotion, a johnny-come-lately, meaning it is utterly compromised.  Compassion is free of condemnatory judgments, i.e., free of any external input seeking to motivate choices.  Love thrives on being told what to do.  Compassion is self-motivated whereas love is always reciprocal.  Those who speak of “unconditional love” really have no idea that they are speaking of a contradiction, a chimera.  There can be no such thing as unconditional love.  Can’t be found anywhere on earth, or in history.  Compassion demands self-empowerment and detachment whereas love collapses under endless loads of dis-empowerment and attachments.  Compassion is never found in collectives whereas, again, that is where love thrives, from the family unit or tribe, to the ends of the empire.  You can become compassion by nature but you can never become love by nature.  If you are, by nature, a compassionate being, compassion is your life, you don’t need to activate it, or search for it or hope it will be sufficient to meet any situation: you are it.

Love on the other hand has so many faces and levels of entropic energy it is guaranteed to fail at the most critical moment and you’ll have to fall back on other choices.  Take that critical moment:  you’ll pray, throw money at it, join with others against it, vote and hope, turn and run, sue, demonstrate, give in, change your mind, convert, put up.  Whatever choice done in the name of love, if you lose you will experience the bitter taste of loss; you will know loneliness, pain and suffering.  You will eat humble pie.  Much of that suffering translates as physical ill-health or psychoses, followed by drugs, injections, hospitalizations, the rise of addictions and lack of self-control.  Follow the trail left by dashed expectations.

The compassionate being, self-empowered and knowing both body and mind, living from spirit source, experiences differently.  We become a bridge between a world’s joy and sorrow, feeling all, knowing all.  By transmuting the worlds’ happiness and pleasures to joy, the world’s pain and suffering to sorrow, compassion makes it not just bearable but understandable.  This leads inexorably to becoming an empath.  Before that happens to me though, I want to be “outta here!” because then “I” would have to feel the world’s extreme feelings and emotions before they became joy and sorrow.  Try to imagine what that would mean.  Already I feel it closing in.

Nevertheless, due to programming there are likely millions of individuals who would choose to live a compassionate life but never see the dichotomy of love versus compassion and remain firmly trapped within the love morass, the love belief, having to make difficult and contradictory choices on a daily basis, choices which compassion would instantly make for them, equipping them to act in the moment rather that toss and turn the idea looking for some proper or logical outcome which can only exist in compassion.

If I were a teacher, I would emphasize this: remember, it is never love and compassion but always love or compassion.  Then, if you make the choice to live a compassionate life, be prepared to lose everything… that you may gain yourself.  Here’s a well known parable that illustrates seeking for compassion:

*”A long time ago an important man came to a Zen master seeking to be taught Zen.  The master quickly realized by the tone of voice that this rich man was used to command obedience.  He listened while the rich man said: “I have come today to ask you to teach me about enlightenment, about Zen.”  The Zen master offered to discuss the matter over a cup of tea.  When the tea was served, the master poured a cup for his visitor.  He poured and poured until the contents overflowed on the table and spilled unto the rich man’s robes.
“Enough!” cried the rich man.  “Can’t you see the cup is full and you’re spilling tea all over?”
The master stopped pouring and said, “You are like this tea cup, so full that nothing more can be added.  Come back to me when the cup is empty.  Come back to me with an empty mind.”

There is another saying that should be familiar to all Christians at least: “Unless you become as a little child you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven.”

*ISSA: Intelligent, Sentient, Self Aware

*Story of Zen master borrowed from:

Sudden Death Overtime and New Year Wishes

                                [thoughts from   ~burning woman~  by Sha’Tara]

People say “It’s a new year” and the good wishes come a-flying from every direction.  I don’t mind, I’m all but immune from, and inured to, any good wish.  For me, a “new year” (if I acknowledged such a thing as valid) would mean something as at the end of “V for Vendetta”.  Basically, the idea expressed by “V” is,  “the world until today belonged to me and it ends with me tonight.  Tomorrow a new world is born, and you, “Evey” will nurture that new world.” 

You see, it’s a truism, like it or not, that for something new to begin, something old must die.  If all that “dies” is a number on a man-made calendar or the passing of a certain point in a planet’s orbit around the sun, that is not a death but an illusion.  People don’t change, nor do their systems and societies, just by changing a year number, from 2016 to 2017.  I think the farce has gone on long enough.  I think it’s high time for would-be adults to take responsibility for their words and “do” something instead of just “saying” something because it feels good to say it, or worse, it’s traditional.

Life isn’t about feeling good.  Am I saying something anyone hasn’t figured out yet?  Life is a series of challenges, and some of those are quite heavy.  Sometimes it’s a horrendous event beyond anyone’s control, and sometimes it’s a change that may bring good things, or bad things.  Life is a struggle.  Those who do not struggle are not living: alive, yes, but not living.

But back to my favourite subject: death.  For me, a new year has always been about death because death implies renewal: no death, no renewal.  So each year I die and each year, hopefully, if I take responsibility for my own life, I renew myself.  Dying is an interesting process.  We’re all dying, all the time, but we spend our time denying it instead of teasing meaning out of it. 

Some quotes about being dead, the dead, dying:

“Being dead filled her beyond fulfillment.
Like a fruit
 suffused with its own mystery and sweetness,
she was filled with her vast death, which was so new,
she could not understand that it had happened.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke.

“I have my dead, and I have let them go,
and was amazed to see them so contented,
so soon at home in being dead, so cheerful,
so unlike their reputation.
Only you return; brush past me, loiter, try to knock
against something, so that the sound reveals your presence.
— Rainer Maria Rilke, from “Requiem for a Friend.

All of life is a symphony of successive losses.  You lose your youth, your parents, your loves, your friends, your comforts, your health, and finally your life.  To deny loss is to lose it all anyway and to lose, in addition, your self-possession and your peace of mind. (Isaac Asimov – “Nemesis”)

What a solemn thing is this infinity which every man bears within him, and which he measures with despair against the caprices of his brain and the actions of his life!
(Victor Hugo, Les Miserables)

We can die by degrees (while hiding the truth from ourselves with drugs, work or play) or we can die suddenly.  Sudden death is cheap: it doesn’t teach much and perhaps that is why so many would choose it.  “Eat, drink and be merry” then “dead!”  There’s death by slow-kill disease and that one is a monster though some manage to harness it, learn and teach from it.  Still, it wouldn’t be my choice because I hate pain and consider it to be an unnatural effect of a twisted and tortured world.

The best kind of death, for me, is the one I’m on.  I call it, “sudden death overtime” only it isn’t sudden death at all since I’ve been in it for 20 years now.  I had set a date for myself to shed this body and go on vacation throughout the cosmos for a while.  20 years later I’m still contemplating that final separation sequence but this body isn’t showing much sign of letting go or slowing down.  It’s like a combination of the Energizer bunny and the Timex watch that takes a licking and keeps on ticking. 

Nota bene: I’m NOT complaining!  But here’s the difference:  I am dying, not by accident of birth, but by choice.  Each dying day brings me closer to the last one and in each, as I look towards the finish line, I learn something new about myself, something that only my contemplation of death could reveal.  

Now try to see the effect of a New Year’s good wish for me: “May you experience your good death this coming year!”  For most people, that wouldn’t go over so well.  For me, I’d have a positive response to such a wish.  What does that say of my mindset; my philosophy about life?  Certifiable… or expanded awareness?

In “V for Vendetta” “V” sets “Evey” up with a fake arrest, incarceration, interrogation, torture and constant threat of death if she doesn’t reveal “to the authorities” what she knows about “V.”  She refuses, and at the end is condemned to be excuted by firing squad.  Convinced it was her last few minutes alive, when questioned one last time she gives a resounding “No!” to the promise of total freedom if she reveals what she knows about “V.”  At that moment she earned her freedom; she had conquered her fear of death.  Her life changed.  From a frightened mouse in a horrid world she became a change agent, resilient and fearless.   

Somewhere deep in the subconscious we’re all “V” and “Evey” cocooned away, hidden.  I am convinced that what enslaves us more than anything else is our constant fear of “death” – that nebulous, unknown factor; that terrible thief  that hounds every minute of our physical life, whether we are conscious of it or not.  We hunt happiness and haunt the pleasure principle trying to get the most out of every minute. 

There are people who harbour such a great fear of death that they have to indulge in “extreme” sports and other death defying nonsense to try to prove to themselves that they don’t fear it.  It is those people who fear death the most though they are seen as the opposite.  That is how the fear of death brainwashing works. 

Try to ignore it, or spend your time challenging it: the first “effort” is a waste since the company of death has much to teach particularly on detachment and self-empowerment; the bravado of the second is a congruence of twisted cowardice and pride, nothing more.    

Perhaps one has to reach a certain age before one is comfortable in death’s company.  Or perhaps it’s a question of greater awareness; of a mind set free from the shackles of organized religion, spiritually dead scientism or ignorant hedonism.  A day came for me long ago when I was sure death had taken me.  I was relieved, so much so that when I found myself physically alive again I was not at all happy until I realized I had gained a new friend: death would walk with me the rest of the way – and I found her to be very, very wise. 

So next time you hear, “we are not alone”  know that you have one constant, steadfast companion who will walk with you every step of the way to your last breath and beyond.  She’ll show you the way, and she will help you change if you want to put in the effort.

My Friend, the Lady in Black

I walked uncertain, so dead tired
Lost in a grey shattered landscape
Of crumbling hills and broken trees,
Eroded gullies and clumps of dried grass.
I walked under a leaden sky
With the sun a deadly copper disc
Fixed overhead as if never to set;
I staggered until I could go no further

Falling and sliding against a rounded stone
That had witnessed many a season
Under such a day as this.
I fell asleep, or I died, not sure which
But when I awoke
There was the Lady in Black
Standing still beside my wrecked body.
She gestured for me to stand
I did, much to my surprise
For the body did not stir, nor eyes blink.

“Come” she said beckoning
And we walked around the hill
Into a garden to provide pleasures
Not to be found on the world I’d left.
“Enjoy” she said and vanished:
I felt terribly alone once again.



Another Gift of the Magi (part 3)

Near the end of that year her body finally gave out and she remained bedridden.  Ariana spent as much time as she could spare comforting her and listening to some of her experiences in the world of high class prostitution.  Sometimes they could be heard bursting out in laughter, followed by Sylvia’s terrible coughing fits.  Surprisingly, and perhaps not so surprisingly, during that year some of Sylvia’s clients who had helplessly fallen in love with her, traced her to the hospice and she was permitted to receive them.  There were strange tearful reunions and many a new anonymous donation appeared in the “Hope Fund”.

The week before Christmas was the hardest.  Sylvia labored for breath and could not eat.  Fed intravenously, she was slipping fast.  Christmas Eve came and she couldn’t hold any longer.  Ariana came in and saw that the battle was over.  She reached down and held the frail, wasted body of her sister and said: 

“Remember our vow – no matter what the circumstances, we would always spend Christmas day together?  You have to hold on tonight.  You have to celebrate the birth of our Lord with me tomorrow.  You can’t break your vow.  You can’t!”

Sylvia understood.  She held on and passed away in the evening of December 25.  Ariana looked out the window into the city night.  Snow had fallen all day and everything was covered in white.  Street lights reflected their pale luster upon store fronts decorated with various aspects of the kind of commercial Christmas the world has come to accept as normal.  For a brief moment the city, attired in a virgin’s white hid her ugliness.  Ariana thought it fitting that it would make an effort and put on a white mantle for the passage of her sister’s soul.  Above the city, between high-rise escarpments, Ariana saw a couple of stars twinkling in the cold night.  Only then did she allow the floodgates of sorrow from her heart to open and she cried silently, for a long time.

A year went by.  Things returned to their normal madness in the hospice.  Sister Celeste drove herself even more now, but learned to ease up on the younger postulant nuns and things ran smoothly.  On Christmas Eve she found herself alone in her small office in the old house that served as rooming house for nuns and postulants, and office for the hospice next door.  She had done her final rounds to ensure that all was under control there under the night shift. 

The old house felt terribly empty as those not serving in the hospice had gone home to their families to celebrate Midnight Mass and Christmas day.  She pulled out her rosary, thought of Mother Teresa doing the same thing and smiled to herself as she looked out her office window into the night sky filled with grey clouds that presaged more snow on Christmas day.  

The beads of the rosary slipped silently through her fingers from years of practice.  She thought of Sylvia and tried to imagine the kind of life she was now having.  Pangs of sorrow, regret and emptiness hit her.  Had her foolish dream, however well it had turned out, been the cause of her sister’s death?  She shook her head as she prayed through the rosary.  “I cannot entertain such thoughts.  It is wrong. Sylvia and I were as one and she made a choice that I would have made had our positions been reversed.  She chose her life of sacrifice, not just for me, but for the people here, for the city, for the world.  We both did, and found what we wanted most.”

The front door buzzer brought her out of her meditation.  She checked the monitor.  Two men, unshaven, poorly dressed and obviously hungry and cold, stood at the door.  Compassion moved her heart as she looked at them and in violation of an unbreakable rule she had made, against all common sense, got up and went to open the door.  She invited the men inside and as she turned to lead them out a side door to to the hospice cafeteria, they grabbed her, threw her to the floor and raped her at knife point.  Then the one with the knife plunged it in her heart several times.

As Ariana lay dying, her blood-soaked hands holding her punctured chest, she whispered, “I forgive you…!”  Her final thought from this side of the veil was, “As promised, I’ll be with you for Christmas, sister.”

It is not given to us to see beyond this point.  Death guards his territory with terrible jealousy.  His reasoning, often tragic to us, remains impenetrable.  We cannot investigate further; we can but speculate on the fate of those who “cross the bar” and never return.  Some will think, heaven, and some will think, there is no more to the story.  That is how it should be but regardless of our belief choices, it is given to us to have the mental means to contemplate the lives of people such as these two sisters; their motivation and the results from such sacrificial offerings to us and our world. 

The story is fictitious, certainly, but how many real lives provide the flesh and blood background for stories such as this one?  My question, as always, is: can we take ourselves beyond just admiration and perhaps temporary sadness?  Is there some food here for us? Something to move us to better ourselves and take new steps, however hesitant, towards becoming compassionate beings? Surely, anyone who has read the story to the end must realize such are not given to us simply to entertain, or bring out a few temporary tears, as beneficial as such may be to our eyes strained by the harsh glare of consumerism. 

 I do not easily give Christmas wishes for to the degree that I understand the concept I strive to live without hypocrisy.  However, I will do this: on behalf of Sylvia and Ariana, cast out any darkness from your hearts during this time and do give yourselves, one and all, a merry Christmas!

A Warm Late Spring Sunday – short story by ~Sha’Tara~

Are you ready for this?  Another short story, that is.  Enjoy!

                                          A Warm Late Spring Sunday

A Short Story, by ~Sha’Tara~  aka  ~burning woman~

“Je pense aux choses impossibles, aux mondes qu’on ne voit pas; je pense jusqu’à ne plus savoir dans quel monde je suis…” (B. deBuxy, from the story: La Demoiselle au Bois Dormant)*

The years, which in their latter times had been rather gentle and calm, had gone by, and after many, she had stopped counting them.  After her hair turned grey, then white, she had gradually eschewed consulting her mirror on the wall.  Instead, she had lengthened and increased her walks about the old village where she now lived, the village where she had been born, had been taken from after the great war, and had finally returned to, if to discover that all the people she had known as a child had either left, or had died.

Louisa-May Loughlin had no family that she knew of in the entire world.  An only child, orphan from the war, she had been rounded up at age seven, along with hundreds of parentless, homeless children and shipped to a foreign land to be raised in an orphanage where she had been given the name Louisa-May because the authorities could neither pronounce nor spell her Celtic first name. At fourteen, considered at that time old enough to work, she had entered service as a maid to a well-to-do family and eventually she had married Roy Loughlin, a steel worker who rented a basement suite in that family’s sprawling home.

Her husband had been very good to her and she had learned to love him.  Their entire married life was spent in a cozy two bedroom bungalow Roy had built on a barren hillock overlooking the small shallow, muddy river called ‘The Ram.’ Though they remained childless, they fostered several children over the years and had their hands full.  Theirs and neighbouring children would build rafts and float them on the lazy brown river and on hot days they would strip and swim in the murky waters.  Afterwards the children would run up to the house and wash off the smell of river water in the clean, cool water that came from the pump mounted over the well.  Louisa-May would serve them juice and cookies and let them entertain her with their river adventures.

Over the years her house became a place of refuge for the children of mill workers when problems arose in their homes.  Seldom a week went by that the house did not contain an additional small guest sleeping in the low but comfortable attic.  Louisa-May would always accompany her small charges when returning them to their home, staying to counsel and provide help when needed, or when possible.

An accident at the mill crippled Roy and he spent his last year at home, bed-ridden in considerable pain and in a great deal of frustration.  Louise, as she was now called, nursed him as he deteriorated and finally died at the age of fifty three.  Louise was then forty-nine, and having no one left to look after, she decided to return to her homeland; to the village where she had been born.  A large group of people, young and old, had accompanied her to the train station.  Many sincere good-bye’s were said; many tears shed.  It was a difficult moment for Louise, but her mind was made up and she resolutely got on board, waved once again, and was lost to her friends as the train rumbled on heading east to the seaport.

This particular April Sunday, a week before Easter, was cool, with the south-west wind from the sea still carrying the bite of Winter, but the sun was bravely shining and you could feel its heat if you stood in a sheltered space and turned your face to the southern sky.  She had been thus, standing in the lee of an old stone wall bordering the Catholic cemetery, facing the morning sun.  At the other end of the cemetery and across the gritty flagstone road that served as main street for the village stood the old church, all grey stone covered in part with ivy and moss.  The bell in the belfry rang a half-dozen times to announce that it was a quarter to ten and the Grand Mass (the main Sunday morning mass) was about to start.

“Good morning, May!”

She turned to look at her interlocutor.  It was Sylvain, the old verger who, having seen her from his vantage point in the belfry as he rang the bell, had walked to her while taking a short break between masses.

“Beautiful day, isn’t it, m’lady?” Sometimes the villagers called her May, since she had deliberately dropped the Louisa when she had returned “home” and sometimes they called her “m’lady.”  She accepted either with equanimity.

“It is a beautiful day indeed, M. Sylvain, though Spring seems somewhat late this year.”

“Been late the last couple of years.  Changes, y’know.  Despite our best intentions and our holding on to our old traditions, life is change, a sad thing for those who never learn and do not understand.”

She smiled at him, knowing full well what he was saying.  She knew all about change, and changing circumstances, and she also knew that the best way to go through life was to always make allowances for change; to expect it.  You could not predict change, but you could be in a place of mind where any change could be, if not wholly welcome, at least be received with grace.

“It’s warm enough today – would you like to break bread with me over a glass of wine at my garden table after mass, Sylvain?  I’ve spent a whole week just thinking and I would like to share some thoughts with you…”

Sylvain and May had been friends for more than ten years now, but they understood the need to maintain a strict sense of propriety.  They never entered alone in each-other’s abode so as not to give ammunition to wagging and too often, gossipy evil tongues.  In today’s lax morality, or better put, complete lack of such, their sense of propriety would probably be laughed at, but this is a different place, thus a different time; a time of wild roses and orchids in untrodden woodlands; of subtle shrugs and demure smiles that tell stories of passion no modern romance novel or movie, however brazen or steamy, can ever hope to compete with.  Sylvain and May knew each other better from the touch of a finger tip and a look in each other’s eyes than the most ardent lovers would ever know.

The conservative Latin mass, with its fifty or so participants, over, May exchanged greetings with the priest, Gregoir Chantelot, who thanked her volubly for her various well-known efforts on behalf of the village poor and sick.  Chantelot loved to be the center of attention and May provided another way if he could somehow ride on her reputation.  He had tried many times to insinuate himself into her life, to get invited to lunch after mass, or some such, even inviting her to ride with him and visit the Monseigneur at the bishopric, but even when he walked or drove the half mile to her cottage at the far end of the village to visit, she would meet him outside and exchange only a few words before saying, “Sorry Father but I have some duty to attend, if you will please excuse me…”  Thus summarily if gently dismissed, he could do aught but salute her and carry on his rounds.  What did Chantelot really think of May?  No one knew.  When he spoke of her he did so with apparent unfeigned admiration.

If asked, May would probably have had difficulty explaining why she kept the priest at arm’s length.  She had no reason to dislike him, he was likeable enough, but her intuition told her to beware of him: he could not be trusted and he was hiding a dark and menacing secret which she hoped never to discover.  May, as kind, compassionate and trustworthy a person as any could ever meet disliked secrets of all kind.  In her conversations with the villagers, she would say, “Secrets are made to be told.  Only fools tell secrets to each other.  There is no difference between telling a secret and telling a lie.  Only gossip is worse.”  Thus she quietened and put to shame many a loose tongue.

She took her time walking back from the church, enjoying the awakening of life along the road and in the surrounding fields.  In some, sheep and goats grazed contentedly, the braying of lambs mixing with the calls of crows, robins and brown sparrows singing from fence posts.  The sun, at its zenith, poured its warmth over the land and gave all a sense of forever well-being.  For a moment May almost wished she hadn’t invited Sylvain to eat with her so she could find a stone to sit on and dream as the earth spun majestically through the heavens while its new life laboured madly beneath her feet and shining white gulls circled in the cerulean sky above her head.

With her heart filled with the simple abundance of her surroundings, she pondered it.  “Who deserves such a wonderful life,” she thought, “when there is so much wrong with this world?  Why have I been given so much when so much is taken from so many others?  I don’t remember ever seeking this peace or happiness – it just seems to flow to me; has always flown to me.  Why not for everybody?  I must accept it but will I ever really understand it?”

In a depression between two pastures and partially obscured by a huge blackened tree stump she saw a touch of white blossoming along the ground.  “Wild strawberries,” she thought, “I have to remember to tell the children where they can be found.”  One wonder after another surprised her and filled her walk until she reached her dilapidated gate, wide open, its lower end buried in the ground, solidly anchored in tufts of grass and the beginning of an ivy.  The gate had never been closed since May had moved in.  She would never close her gate against anyone or anything.  Her place was a refuge, not a sanctuary.  Whatever privacy or safety she needed she had in her mind and in her heart.  Her physical space was for sharing and all the villagers knew this.  No one in need of some sustenance, some care, some wisdom or a place to stay a while hesitated to come to May.

Her small cottage tucked under a tangle of old fruit trees in what had once been an orchard presented a friendly face to any visitor.  To the left of the front door, below the kitchen window, stood a small round cement table and a couple of wooden benches which a thankful villager had brought her were tucked under when unoccupied.  That’s where she saw Sylvain who, having cut across the fields after completing his duties, had arrived some time before.

“Oh, I’m so sorry to make you wait, Sylvain.  I guess I was wool-gathering a bit too much on the way back.  Did you fetch yourself some juice?”

He got up to greet her and raised his arm, “Yes, and a glass, thank you May.  I enjoyed the wait.  So much to see, hear and smell in this small space; its sense of peace is transcendent.  Thank you for inviting me.”  This said while he stared into a budding pear tree.  Scratching noises and incessant ‘tchitting’ could be heard coming from somewhere near the tree top. “I think you have guests there, May.  They’re building a nest.”

“Is that a pair of grey finches?  They come every year.  Such sweeties, so friendly.  Another blessing to add to this day my friend.”

Sylvain reached for the other bench, pulled it out for May and sat down again.  “What did you have on your mind today, May?” he asked almost in a whisper.

May stood a moment beside him, sighed, then touched his hand lightly.  “I’ll get us some food and after we eat, we will talk, or rather, I will talk and if you choose, you will listen to me.”

“Very well.”  He stood again, as she walked through the open doorway, and he waited while she opened the shutters on the kitchen window and passed out a couple of plates, a loaf of bread, cheese, butter, knives, a bottle of red wine, a corkscrew and two wine glasses.  Sylvain passed back his empty juice glass which he heard her rinse.  Then she stepped out slowly, looking in his eyes.  She sat and began to cut the bread and cheese, filling his plate and passing it to him.  Then she cut some thin slices for herself and after saying grace, they both ate in silence, she hesitant, he expectant.

After filling the wine glasses, Sylvain made a toast to Spring and sipped slowly, watching her, sensing her unease.  He was about to say something to break the uncomfortable silence when she raised her hand to stop him.

“I’ve lived a long, quasi-magical life, Sylvain.  Many a time I’ve had to stop to look at myself; to wonder about the why’s and the wherefores.  You, of the many people I’ve known, are as aware as I that life is a gift.  I don’t know about God or those other things our religion talks about so freely and I sense, so pointlessly, year after year, but I know that life is sacred.  I may not believe that all are born “sinners” as the church claims, but whether one is born such or not, I know that life was given to me to make choices, severe personal choices, on how I would go through it.

“When I found myself without family, friends or home after the great war, I observed the people around me.  I was seven years old at the time, old enough to know some things.  War ages you, matures you, and if you survive it, you can draw from its harsh discipline and see the world quite differently than if you had not experienced the fear, the hunger, the horror of seeing your own mother’s body covered in mud and blood beside you the morning after a bombing.  Yet there I was, unscathed, healthy, strong.  I had a choice that morning: to feel sorry for myself and wait for someone to come by and comfort me, or to stand up, look around and offer help to those who hurt and those who grieved.  I knew, even then, that life was being honest with me, saying, “Louisa-May, this is what I offer; this is my reality.  How you take it and live it, that’s up to you now, no one else.”

“I would have stayed to help and give comfort, but the Red Cross people saw me as just another child.  They took the orphans they found and sent them to orphanages in America.  Ah, my friend, America: what a strange and confused land. Those people did not need a war to challenge them, they lived their entire lives as in war.  They argued over possessions of lethal weapons which they could only use against each other since they had no real enemies to worry about.  And yet they forever worried about imagined enemies, keeping them demonized in their own minds and seldom finding any peace of mind, much less of heart.

“It was a cold, hard country, not only the land, but also the people.  They separated themselves in racial groups, the natives hidden on reservations, the blacks, descendants of recently freed slaves, fretting in ghettos where prostitution, drugs, drinking and violence proliferated and was accepted as normal. Other races lived as best they could in their own bits and pieces claimed from dying boroughs of aimless cities.  And the rich lorded it over the rest.  One could truthfully say that America was not so much a democracy as it was a plutocracy.  I remember the pain this caused me and gradually I stopped listening to their radio and reading their newspapers.  Even when their great depression happened, they never stopped believing that it was somehow caused by their enemies; not their rich lords whom they called businessmen, not their bankers, not their greedy government representatives who lived in luxury while their poor lingered in ill-health, ignorance and degradation, but by those who sought to better their own lives by organizing for better wages, better working and living conditions and equality of race.  There simply was no understanding of how life is supposed to be lived.  As Oscar Wilde observed, it was a nation that had gone from barbarism to high technology without bothering to create a civilization in between.

“So, over the years I closed myself in, refusing to look at the grand picture, choosing instead to focus on the people in my own neighbourhood, offering them help and healing when I could.  I think that is when I found God then, only it wasn’t the same God that religion goes on about.  It was something transcendent, something that touched everyone the same way; that did not differentiate one from another on the basis of economic status, sex, age, religion, race or place of birth.  I discovered that it was inside myself and the more I tried to give it away, the more I had it in me.  When I should have been in sorrow, I experienced joy.  Sadness was pushed away by laughter at the antics of a puppy or the first steps of a neighbour’s baby.  Somehow the evil that I sensed in the outer world could be pushed back and held at bay wherever I found myself.  I could not defeat it, but I could temporarily chain it. It was power, Sylvain, a power that I could control with my mind…”

She stopped to pour another glass of wine for Sylvain and herself.  Looking at him, she saw that he was neither bored nor offended.  He wanted to hear more.  So she would tell him more.  She would finish her story, giving it to this man whom she truly loved; this person who owned her implicit trust.

“At first I called this power ‘love’ and it took me a long time to realize it could not be love.  It had to be something else, something that could not be bought and sold on man’s marketplaces.  Something that any individual could have; something that you could give and give and give and the more your gave, the more you had. It needed no encouragement and eschewed recognition.  Empathy, I thought.  But it wasn’t that either because empathy is something you have or don’t have.  Like a sense of hearing, or smell.  Empathy is more of an unawakened sense among the people of this world.  No, what it was; what I had to settle for in the end, was compassion.  Compassion, that’s it.  So simple.  Compassion begins as a choice, then becomes a life-long process of education.  You teach yourself how to be compassionate by practising it.

“Life is given to us, as individuals, in the raw state.  It is up to us to create with it.  It is easy to reshape life into evil forms as I have observed and agonized over.  But why should that be when it is just as easy to also reshape it into beautiful and life-affirming forms?  It is no harder, no more difficult, to create good than it is to create evil but something grabs us before we get a chance to decide and choose and that something leads us into evil thoughts and evil acts must follow.  What is that something, that power?

“I read something about that in church.  There is a passage in the new testament that says in essence that our life’s struggle is not against people but rather against powers, authorities and forces of evil in heavenly realms.  There resides something above us that makes us choose evil over good; that keeps us in ignorance so we will call evil good, and proceed to act in evil ways against one-another and against nature while generally unaware we are doing so.

“There is but one antidote to this evil, and that’s compassion.  If we choose to become compassionate that evil saturation is weakened as it is being exposed.  Thus compassion serves two purposes.  One, it lends help and comfort to the afflicted wherever it passes and two, it exposes and shames evil and those who engage in it.”

May stopped and looked at Sylvain who seemed to be in a trance, waiting for more, though there would be no more.  What more could be said that would not be repetitive and pointless?

Sylvain shook his head and stared at May.  There were tears in his eyes and down his bristly cheeks.  He knew her so well that she did not need to tell him the rest.

“You are leaving us, aren’t you May?”

“Yes, I think so Sylvain.  I think maybe tonight, before midnight.  My heart is full to bursting and won’t accept more.  I need to go; to unburden myself, to breathe the ether among the stars.  There are a couple of things I would like you to do for me, if you choose to take them on.  I’ve arranged for you to take over the cottage if you wish it. The papers are at the notary and all signed.  You may do as you please with the gate. The other thing is, I noticed a patch of wild strawberry blossoms on the way home.  If you walk back towards the village center to the burnt stump, you will see a depression along the roadway there.  That’s where there will be strawberries, lots of them this year.  Just let the children know.

“I love you, Sylvain, and I expect we’ll see each other again soon.  Meanwhile, enjoy the rest of your earth life – there is nothing quite like it when you make the correct choice.  Now you are going to have to go.  Come back in the morning.”

They touched fingers and Sylvain turned without another word, walking away stooped shouldered through the open gate.  He was quite sure he would not see May in a living earth body again.  He was right.  May died peacefully in her sleep, almost satisfied with her life.  According to the records, she was sixty one years old at the time.

*Translation of French quote:  “I think about impossible things; about people we do not see; I think so much that I am no longer sure in which world I live…”